relinquishment

After three years of the same, more or less, we decided to switch up the way we do home life group. We recently finished up Radical and split up—the men began to study 33 at one house and the women started Becoming Myself at another. I don't know what goes on in the men's group, but I know that for us, things got really real, really quickly.

And by really real, I mean that I (because I won't speak for anyone else) was laying my heart out in ways that I haven't done before with this group of women. And I've known some of them for three years. Which is a long time in military life.

In week one, we talked about failure and I mentioned that when I first answered the question in the study guide, I didn't really feel like a failure, so I said "I feel incompetent when. ..." But by sentence #2, I wrote, "I feel like a failure when. ..." I told them that it seemed that I'd given everything to God—even my career choice and five-year plan—except this one thing. So one of the ladies mentioned the prayer of relinquishment. (She even had a copy of the actual Guideposts article to let me borrow.) And I kept it in my purse for about a week before I finally sat down to read it.

And then I went a few more days before I could finally give it over to God:

God, You know that I want this. But more than this, I want Your will to be done.

I instantly felt freer than I have in a while. And the next day, I realized that I was truly able to enjoy the day. I could be fully present in this season instead of thinking I was being fully present but really acting like more of a martyr.

I post my list of #1000gifts on my Twitter feed. I've noticed that recently, my gifts have focused on things I took for granted before I surrendered to God. I've noticed that my heart is different when certain topics come up in conversation. I've noticed a greater peace than I've experienced before.

Now, this is not to say that I don't expect to never struggle again with this issue. (Maybe I should?) But I know that I will be more apt to immediately pray when this pops up—something I've been more conscious of doing with other matters.

Before home life group, I made time to touch up my hair and makeup for the fun of it. I shared this (and all of the above) as a praise report during our last meeting and was met with a semi-serious frumpy face from a friend.

"My husband's been home all day and I still looked like this!" she said, pointing to her more casual appearance.

And I realized, again, that I have so much to be grateful for. Yes, there are still things I yearn for, but I also know that I have friends who yearn for what I have, too.