After three years of the same, more or less, we decided to switch up the way we do home life group. We recently finished up Radical and split up—the men began to study 33 at one house and the women started Becoming Myself at another. I don't know what goes on in the men's group, but I know that for us, things got really real, really quickly.

And by really real, I mean that I (because I won't speak for anyone else) was laying my heart out in ways that I haven't done before with this group of women. And I've known some of them for three years. Which is a long time in military life.

In week one, we talked about failure and I mentioned that when I first answered the question in the study guide, I didn't really feel like a failure, so I said "I feel incompetent when. ..." But by sentence #2, I wrote, "I feel like a failure when. ..." I told them that it seemed that I'd given everything to God—even my career choice and five-year plan—except this one thing. So one of the ladies mentioned the prayer of relinquishment. (She even had a copy of the actual Guideposts article to let me borrow.) And I kept it in my purse for about a week before I finally sat down to read it.

And then I went a few more days before I could finally give it over to God:

God, You know that I want this. But more than this, I want Your will to be done.

I instantly felt freer than I have in a while. And the next day, I realized that I was truly able to enjoy the day. I could be fully present in this season instead of thinking I was being fully present but really acting like more of a martyr.

I post my list of #1000gifts on my Twitter feed. I've noticed that recently, my gifts have focused on things I took for granted before I surrendered to God. I've noticed that my heart is different when certain topics come up in conversation. I've noticed a greater peace than I've experienced before.

Now, this is not to say that I don't expect to never struggle again with this issue. (Maybe I should?) But I know that I will be more apt to immediately pray when this pops up—something I've been more conscious of doing with other matters.

Before home life group, I made time to touch up my hair and makeup for the fun of it. I shared this (and all of the above) as a praise report during our last meeting and was met with a semi-serious frumpy face from a friend.

"My husband's been home all day and I still looked like this!" she said, pointing to her more casual appearance.

And I realized, again, that I have so much to be grateful for. Yes, there are still things I yearn for, but I also know that I have friends who yearn for what I have, too.

arbitrary 04.

• 4 signs you might be legalistic | Sometimes I wonder if I'm being legalistic. And sometimes I'm guilty of these signs.

• how should Christians comment online? | This was a great reminder for me. Along with internet outrage, public shaming, and modern-day pharisees. Ouch.

• having a real relationship with God | We purchased this study at the recommendation of a friend. I really like precept studies and it was a great way to get into the Word after dinner as a family. We've finished it, so we're deciding which one to do next.

• six ways your phone is changing you | Shortly after my youngest stepson arrived, we all sat down to discuss phone usage and boundaries. The main implication that I've heard over the years is that as screen time goes up, socialization skills go down. This article presented a few more that I found very interesting and convicting.

• duolingo | A friend recently told me about the app/website (I like the website format better) and I've been using it to brush up on Spanish.

• the deeper problems behind human trafficking | I like this article because it tackles the root (or at least one of the roots) of the issue. It's important to remember that people are people and they aren't the enemy—the enemy is.

• glasses in the road | Annie wrote a blog post about Complacency and the Church. I wanted to highlight it because my experiences tend to be pretty similar when it comes to opportunities that I miss because I let myself get in the way.

run the race + keep the faith

How does he have the energy to preach right now?

That kept popping up in my head during a 5k two 5ks ago. My friend had asked me to run with him the night before the race.

I don't know why I expected myself to be able to run the pace I kept when I ran three to four times a week when I run once or twice a month. But I did, and I said sure.

I also didn't hydrate properly before the race. And I didn't set an alarm, so I woke up about 15 minutes before the start and we rushed to the event. So, from about 50 yards on, I just kept thinking about how woefully unprepared I was and what a bad idea this 5k was.

But there's my friend, running beside me, saying that this race is just like the race set before us—there's the finish line up ahead, I know where it ends and how it ends; all I have to do is stay on the path.

I told myself that he's a sergeant. He's supposed to be motivating and be energetic and happy when the rest of us want to just quit. I wondered if God would hold it against me if I stopped to walk for a few yards. (I didn't.)

A couple of weeks ago, I ran another 5k. The same friend ran with me, along with another mutual friend who also happens to be a chaplain.

So I got a sermon in stereo.

Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Be cunning as snakes and innocent as doves. (We later realized that we were combining two different verses, but it worked as a good motivator.)

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. -1 Peter 5:8 

Behold, I am sending you out like sheep in the midst of wolves; be wary and wise as serpents, and be innocent (harmless, guileless, and without falsity) as doves. [Gen. 3:1.]

I kept telling myself that the race had been won. That all I had to do was run and run well. I also wondered how they had the energy and breath to do anything other than suck wind for the last mile or so.

Last night, my friend and I ran about 2.5 miles at a local park (and I had even run 5 miles about a week earlier). He asked me if I thought snap judgments—good or bad—were a sin. I said yes, that we are not to judge, but it's also human nature for us to want to put people in boxes to be able to understand them (or think we understand them) quickly. This turned into a huge discussion about using "human nature" as an excuse for sin.

And I realized, as we kept the pace past mile one, and then past mile two, that even though I was talking, I wasn't out of breath. That maybe, if I'm focusing on God and communing with my fellow brother in Christ, I am given energy that wells up from some place deep inside so I can encourage others and bring glory to God.

It was a pretty amazing experience.

If I keep my focus on my small reserve of energy and run conservatively in the pursuit of comfort, I finish feeling exhausted. If I focus on the conversation at hand and the fellowship between my friend and I, I finish strong—we sprinted the last 30 yards or so.

It's a lot like marriage. If I focus on myself and give my husband only the energy and love I think I can afford to give away, I don't benefit either of us. But when I put my faith in God and focus on sustaining my husband, we are both filled and the love we can give is multiplied as it's received. Plus, marriage is definitely more like an ultra-marathon than a sprint.

Therefore then, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses [who have borne testimony to the Truth], let us strip off and throw aside every encumbrance (unnecessary weight) and that sin which so readily (deftly and cleverly) clings to and entangles us, and let us run with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before us, 2 Looking away [from all that will distract] to Jesus, Who is the Leader and the Source of our faith [giving the first incentive for our belief] and is also its Finisher [bringing it to maturity and perfection]. He, for the joy [of obtaining the prize] that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring the shame, and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God. [Ps. 110:1.] -Hebrews 12:1-2 (AMP)

where was i going with this again?

Blogging has not come as easily to me as it used to, which I attribute to:

A. being a little older, a little more mature, and a lot more aware that what goes on the Internet NEVER DIES; and,

B. not being so sure about what I want to write or for whom I want to write.

Which also leads to C, which is my general uncertainty about what the purpose of this blog really is.

I've enjoyed writing for as long as I can remember. I've kept journals ever since my first Dear America package arrived from the Scholastic Book Club back in fourth grade (I still have it but the thought of reading fourth-grade-me's thoughts make me cringe). So, the thought of not blogging is kind of foreign to me.

Also, I've become more aware of how I spend my time on social media.

>> Facebook used to be an outlet for me to share links to interesting news stories (usually without commentary), but I'm trying to be more encouraging and use Facebook productively by sharing encouraging articles that relate to faith.

>> Snapchat was a way for me to send dog pictures to my sister without clogging our regular text thread. Now, I'm trying to figure out Stories.

>> Instagram was a way for me to share photos of my life. Now, I'm trying to share my life through the lens of Christ's work in me.

>> Twitter was a way for me to share random musings and retweet interesting news stories, but now I share my #1000gifts list (check out One Thousand Gifts or Ann Voskamp's 1000Gifts blog category).

I've discovered that these platforms are a means of displaying Christ and spreading the gospel, if I choose to use them to do so.

I've discovered that I'm not a fan of the eternal and public nature of YouTube videos, but I really enjoy sharing impromptu video stories on Snapchat (and I just downloaded Periscope for the same reason). Right now, my ministry is youth girls—I love working with middle school and high school teens.

I've come to realize that, with middle school in particular, these girls are at an age at which they're thinking of making certain decisions, but some of them still have yet to do so. They're in a season of life where having someone a little older, a little more experienced, is invaluable.

And so part of me thinks that they should be my audience.

I have yet to figure this out. But whatever I do, I want to bring glory to God and point others to Christ.