inconvenient: not convenient especially in giving trouble or annoyance

I thought Jesus was inconvenient today.

I was on my way to youth group —I'd left the house about an hour early with the intention of stopping at Starbucks—when I spotted him at the turnaround. Squatting on the concrete while my dashboard read 102F, listlessly holding a cardboard sign with his head down. He wasn't even looking at the cars and I wondered: Does he think no one will help him? Does he think no one sees him?

My first thought upon seeing people in need is usually that I should help. My next thoughts were:

1. Jesus is the poor.

2. He's all the way on the other side of the highway and I'm already at the light. I'll have to turn around.

3. Ugh. I don't want to turn around. I'm going to have to loop around this section of the highway again in order to get in the far left lane.

4. Why is helping so inconvenient?

By this time, the light turned green and I was turning onto Fort Hood Street, suddenly horrified and shamed by the fact that I'd just considered helping someone to be inconvenient. I parked at Starbucks, pulling my thoughts together as I walked inside. I realized that, if I drove through the Popeye's parking lot, I'd have enough room to change from the far right lane to the far left lane.

I took a quick snapshot of my coffee and typed up an Instagram post asking how others help those in need. At this point, I felt upset by my thoughts, the true nature of my heart, and my inaction. And why don't I keep myself better prepared? While there aren't as many visible homeless people in Killeen as there are in Austin, it's not entirely uncommon to pass someone with a cardboard sign.

So, when I finally left Starbucks prepared to serve, I decided to take another route. It would be slightly longer, but it would give me more time to cross the highway and I wouldn't feel rushed changing lanes near a traffic light. I would feel comfortable.

Whatever illusion of possible comfort I had was swiftly shattered; traffic in the lane beside me prevented me from exiting the highway where I intended to, so I drove almost halfway down the street to turn onto another street. What should have taken maybe two minutes turned into a seven-minute drive as I meandered downtown on a street I'd never driven before.

I ended up behind the Killeen Daily Herald—where I could have started working in 2012 instead of starting graduate school—and thought about how incredible life can be when I obey God instead of doing my own thing.

As I turned onto the access road again, I considered how we have to be willing to be inconvenienced, we have to be willing to step out of our comfort zones, if we want to serve. Jesus didn't ignore people because He had other things on his agenda for the day.

I slowed to a stop at the traffic light. This time, the man was standing up. I couldn't make out what his sign said, but it certainly didn't have the usual "Anything helps" or "Homeless veteran" writing. I had a brief moment of panic—maybe he wasn't in need, maybe I was going to look patronizing.

No.

As followers of Christ, we are called to go. We are called to follow Christ and love others well, not determine the minimum level of love we can show or judge just how in need someone is. And in doing so, yes, our plans are going to be changed. We're going to take scenic routes instead of direct paths. We're going to question and we're going to wonder, and we may wonder how others perceive us in the process. But we're going to trust. And we go knowing that, as Christ's servants, we go with Him.

If anyone serves Me, he must continue to follow Me [to cleave steadfastly to Me, conform wholly to My example in living and, if need be, in dying] and wherever I am, there will My servant be also. If anyone serves Me, the Father will honor him. -John 12:26

train up a child in the way he should go

Summer vacation with my youngest stepson recently came to an end. For months, I've prayed that God would show up for both his brother and him. I prayed that they would encounter God in a real and personal way. I prayed that, when he came to visit, Alan and I would point him to Christ and align us with God's will in his life.

Parents have such a great (read: huge and fantastic) responsibility when it comes to teaching their children about God. Who God is. Who we are in relation to God. What Christ did. How we respond to all of that.

I didn't realize that until recently. How amazing (read: fearful and awesome) would it be to have that responsibility every day for 18 (or more) years! And on that note, parents, I pray over you ever more fervently, that you would seek God first and allow His will to work in your families.

I found myself questioning where we spent our time. How we spent our time. What movies we watched. What we talked about. I began to realize on a deeply personal level that every single moment is an opportunity to share the Gospel. Every single moment is an opportunity to display Christ.

This is real. This is impactful.

We spent the first week of vacation at Camp Eagle. I got teary when one of the youth leaders told me that she could see that God was working on my youngest stepson. When we returned from camp, we introduced him to family devotionals and explained why we read the Bible.

He asked us about baptism; we explained it and he said he wanted to baptized. Alan told him that he had been baptized a few years ago. He said that he didn't understand it, then. But he understood it now and he wanted to be baptized. So one of our friends, a chaplain, talked to him about baptism.

We had a picnic at a nearby lake with some friends and the chaplain baptized him in living waters.

He started asking me not to open the car door for a few extra minutes when a song that he liked played on K-Love and we were already parked.

The daily things pointed the way to bigger, inside things. May I never overlook the daily for the epic. May I never ask for signs and miracles and ignore the rabbi in front of me, ministering in ways that don't fit neatly meet my expectations.

Saying see-you-later was bittersweet. Because, first of all, I just don't like saying see-you-later to loved ones. But, I also worried if he had a "good enough" foundation. (I don't actually know how to quantify what a "good enough" foundation would be, now that I think of it.) And I was also proud to see how he had begun turning toward God and I knew, deep down inside, that God didn't need either Alan or me in order to accomplish his work in this young man.

He's halfway across the country again. The house is quiet. The dogs are bored. There are well over a thousand miles between us now, but we both know a God who is greater than any distance.

I recently looked up verses about God being close and texted this one to him: The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing. -Zephaniah 3:17

relinquishment

After three years of the same, more or less, we decided to switch up the way we do home life group. We recently finished up Radical and split up—the men began to study 33 at one house and the women started Becoming Myself at another. I don't know what goes on in the men's group, but I know that for us, things got really real, really quickly.

And by really real, I mean that I (because I won't speak for anyone else) was laying my heart out in ways that I haven't done before with this group of women. And I've known some of them for three years. Which is a long time in military life.

In week one, we talked about failure and I mentioned that when I first answered the question in the study guide, I didn't really feel like a failure, so I said "I feel incompetent when. ..." But by sentence #2, I wrote, "I feel like a failure when. ..." I told them that it seemed that I'd given everything to God—even my career choice and five-year plan—except this one thing. So one of the ladies mentioned the prayer of relinquishment. (She even had a copy of the actual Guideposts article to let me borrow.) And I kept it in my purse for about a week before I finally sat down to read it.

And then I went a few more days before I could finally give it over to God:

God, You know that I want this. But more than this, I want Your will to be done.

I instantly felt freer than I have in a while. And the next day, I realized that I was truly able to enjoy the day. I could be fully present in this season instead of thinking I was being fully present but really acting like more of a martyr.

I post my list of #1000gifts on my Twitter feed. I've noticed that recently, my gifts have focused on things I took for granted before I surrendered to God. I've noticed that my heart is different when certain topics come up in conversation. I've noticed a greater peace than I've experienced before.

Now, this is not to say that I don't expect to never struggle again with this issue. (Maybe I should?) But I know that I will be more apt to immediately pray when this pops up—something I've been more conscious of doing with other matters.

Before home life group, I made time to touch up my hair and makeup for the fun of it. I shared this (and all of the above) as a praise report during our last meeting and was met with a semi-serious frumpy face from a friend.

"My husband's been home all day and I still looked like this!" she said, pointing to her more casual appearance.

And I realized, again, that I have so much to be grateful for. Yes, there are still things I yearn for, but I also know that I have friends who yearn for what I have, too.

arbitrary 04.

• 4 signs you might be legalistic | Sometimes I wonder if I'm being legalistic. And sometimes I'm guilty of these signs.

• how should Christians comment online? | This was a great reminder for me. Along with internet outrage, public shaming, and modern-day pharisees. Ouch.

• having a real relationship with God | We purchased this study at the recommendation of a friend. I really like precept studies and it was a great way to get into the Word after dinner as a family. We've finished it, so we're deciding which one to do next.

• six ways your phone is changing you | Shortly after my youngest stepson arrived, we all sat down to discuss phone usage and boundaries. The main implication that I've heard over the years is that as screen time goes up, socialization skills go down. This article presented a few more that I found very interesting and convicting.

• duolingo | A friend recently told me about the app/website (I like the website format better) and I've been using it to brush up on Spanish.

• the deeper problems behind human trafficking | I like this article because it tackles the root (or at least one of the roots) of the issue. It's important to remember that people are people and they aren't the enemy—the enemy is.

• glasses in the road | Annie wrote a blog post about Complacency and the Church. I wanted to highlight it because my experiences tend to be pretty similar when it comes to opportunities that I miss because I let myself get in the way.

run the race + keep the faith

How does he have the energy to preach right now?

That kept popping up in my head during a 5k two 5ks ago. My friend had asked me to run with him the night before the race.

I don't know why I expected myself to be able to run the pace I kept when I ran three to four times a week when I run once or twice a month. But I did, and I said sure.

I also didn't hydrate properly before the race. And I didn't set an alarm, so I woke up about 15 minutes before the start and we rushed to the event. So, from about 50 yards on, I just kept thinking about how woefully unprepared I was and what a bad idea this 5k was.

But there's my friend, running beside me, saying that this race is just like the race set before us—there's the finish line up ahead, I know where it ends and how it ends; all I have to do is stay on the path.

I told myself that he's a sergeant. He's supposed to be motivating and be energetic and happy when the rest of us want to just quit. I wondered if God would hold it against me if I stopped to walk for a few yards. (I didn't.)

A couple of weeks ago, I ran another 5k. The same friend ran with me, along with another mutual friend who also happens to be a chaplain.

So I got a sermon in stereo.

Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Be cunning as snakes and innocent as doves. (We later realized that we were combining two different verses, but it worked as a good motivator.)

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. -1 Peter 5:8 

Behold, I am sending you out like sheep in the midst of wolves; be wary and wise as serpents, and be innocent (harmless, guileless, and without falsity) as doves. [Gen. 3:1.]

I kept telling myself that the race had been won. That all I had to do was run and run well. I also wondered how they had the energy and breath to do anything other than suck wind for the last mile or so.

Last night, my friend and I ran about 2.5 miles at a local park (and I had even run 5 miles about a week earlier). He asked me if I thought snap judgments—good or bad—were a sin. I said yes, that we are not to judge, but it's also human nature for us to want to put people in boxes to be able to understand them (or think we understand them) quickly. This turned into a huge discussion about using "human nature" as an excuse for sin.

And I realized, as we kept the pace past mile one, and then past mile two, that even though I was talking, I wasn't out of breath. That maybe, if I'm focusing on God and communing with my fellow brother in Christ, I am given energy that wells up from some place deep inside so I can encourage others and bring glory to God.

It was a pretty amazing experience.

If I keep my focus on my small reserve of energy and run conservatively in the pursuit of comfort, I finish feeling exhausted. If I focus on the conversation at hand and the fellowship between my friend and I, I finish strong—we sprinted the last 30 yards or so.

It's a lot like marriage. If I focus on myself and give my husband only the energy and love I think I can afford to give away, I don't benefit either of us. But when I put my faith in God and focus on sustaining my husband, we are both filled and the love we can give is multiplied as it's received. Plus, marriage is definitely more like an ultra-marathon than a sprint.

Therefore then, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses [who have borne testimony to the Truth], let us strip off and throw aside every encumbrance (unnecessary weight) and that sin which so readily (deftly and cleverly) clings to and entangles us, and let us run with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before us, 2 Looking away [from all that will distract] to Jesus, Who is the Leader and the Source of our faith [giving the first incentive for our belief] and is also its Finisher [bringing it to maturity and perfection]. He, for the joy [of obtaining the prize] that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring the shame, and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God. [Ps. 110:1.] -Hebrews 12:1-2 (AMP)

where was i going with this again?

Blogging has not come as easily to me as it used to, which I attribute to:

A. being a little older, a little more mature, and a lot more aware that what goes on the Internet NEVER DIES; and,

B. not being so sure about what I want to write or for whom I want to write.

Which also leads to C, which is my general uncertainty about what the purpose of this blog really is.

I've enjoyed writing for as long as I can remember. I've kept journals ever since my first Dear America package arrived from the Scholastic Book Club back in fourth grade (I still have it but the thought of reading fourth-grade-me's thoughts make me cringe). So, the thought of not blogging is kind of foreign to me.

Also, I've become more aware of how I spend my time on social media.

>> Facebook used to be an outlet for me to share links to interesting news stories (usually without commentary), but I'm trying to be more encouraging and use Facebook productively by sharing encouraging articles that relate to faith.

>> Snapchat was a way for me to send dog pictures to my sister without clogging our regular text thread. Now, I'm trying to figure out Stories.

>> Instagram was a way for me to share photos of my life. Now, I'm trying to share my life through the lens of Christ's work in me.

>> Twitter was a way for me to share random musings and retweet interesting news stories, but now I share my #1000gifts list (check out One Thousand Gifts or Ann Voskamp's 1000Gifts blog category).

I've discovered that these platforms are a means of displaying Christ and spreading the gospel, if I choose to use them to do so.

I've discovered that I'm not a fan of the eternal and public nature of YouTube videos, but I really enjoy sharing impromptu video stories on Snapchat (and I just downloaded Periscope for the same reason). Right now, my ministry is youth girls—I love working with middle school and high school teens.

I've come to realize that, with middle school in particular, these girls are at an age at which they're thinking of making certain decisions, but some of them still have yet to do so. They're in a season of life where having someone a little older, a little more experienced, is invaluable.

And so part of me thinks that they should be my audience.

I have yet to figure this out. But whatever I do, I want to bring glory to God and point others to Christ.

photo apps: shutterfly + free prints

Back in Pennsylvania, a woman at church started selling Creative Memories scrapbook supplies and I always had fun going to scrapbooking parties with my mom and sister. Plus, my mom had some really cool scrapbooking tools. But when I moved to Texas, I did so without buying any scrapbooking supplies of my own, so my photos mostly live in the cloud, on my computer, on social media, on an external hard drive, and on my phone.

I rarely print any of my photos, but I really wanted a hardcopy that I could keep, especially since I don't even look at most of my photos and they really just take up memory space. Plus, I kept seeing Project Life spreads pop up in my Instagram feed, and since it looks a little more convenient than scrapbooking, I decided to give it a try.

That's where Free Prints and Shutterfly come in (I mentioned both a couple of weeks ago), and have now received prints from both companies.

Free Prints allows you to print up to 85 4"x6" photos for free each month (you pay for shipping); 5"x5" photos are $.49 each. There is a 1,000 photo yearly limit and you can only order one of each photo. I tried that app first; it was simple and even notified me if some of my photos would turn out blurry, which I appreciated. Free Prints allows you to select photos from you phone, Facebook, Instagram, Dropbox, Picasa, Google Drive, Flickr, Amazon, and what I believe is the Microsoft Cloud (I can't tell from the logo). Also, they upgraded my shipping for free on my first order.

When the photos arrived, I received a coupon code for a free 5"x7" photo in return for letting the company know my order arrived. I was slightly disappointed with the photo quality, but I wasn't sure if that said more about the fact that I took photos with an iPhone (and sometimes used filters) or if it was more about the company's quality. However, I do really like the thick, even border around my Hipstamatic photo.

Next, I tried Shutterfly. I had only used Shutterfly once before, but I've heard positive things about the company from others, so I decided to pay a little extra for my photos--4"x6" photos cost $.15 each, while 4"x4" photos cost $.25. I like to use square photos, whether the 5"x5" ones from Free Prints or the 4"x4"s from Shutterfly, for Instagram photos.

This process was also pretty straightforward. Shutterfly lets me import photos from my phone, Facebook, Instagram, and Shutterfly, so it was slightly more limiting than Free Prints. However, I could order as many copies as I wanted to and there is no limit to the number of photos I order in a year.

I recently received my order from Shutterfly and was very impressed with my photos. I should have ordered some of the same photos that I did with Free Prints in order to compare them better, but the clarity and color of the Shutterfly photos (even though some were taken with Hipstamatic or Instagram) definitely outranked Free Prints. I was a little disappointed with the borders around my Hipstamatic photos--you can see in some of the images that they are uneven. I also preferred the thicker border that Free Prints gave me. The weird photo on the bottom right occurred because I accidentally ordered a square photo as a 4"x6" (I just checked my order to verify that the error was on my end).

Overall, you get what you pay for. Free Prints seems more streamlined and really focuses on the photos, while Shutterfly also includes a variety of other products. However, Shutterfly also seems to be of higher quality, which is reflected in the price. There are pros and cons to both apps and I will most likely to continue to order photos from both companies.

the best graduation gift: surviving high school

My oldest stepson graduates from high school this year and my youngest will follow suit a few years down the road. When Alan and I talked about finances and marriage, the discussion of graduation funds popped up and continues to be a topic from time to time.

Alan and I both grew up with different post-high school realities. He had a full ride to USC but enlisted (although I'm not sure if his parents also saved money for him or not). Throughout our childhood, our parents saved money for my sister and me. Scholarships and financial aid were also involved, but I always had the idea that I would attend college after high school.

So recently, I reflected on why it seems so important (to me) to be able to usher someone from high school into the post-high school world--regardless of the person's plans--with money.

On the one hand, I think it displays a vote of confidence. We know you have it in you to succeed in college. On the other hand, college is not for everyone and not every path in life requires a degree from higher education, so I would not want to unintentionally push the expectation that you will do this.

Also, I have reconsidered my own beliefs about success, high school, and higher education. For example, I did not want a graduation party after high school because I felt that we all have to graduate, anyway. And I did not want one after earning my bachelor's degree because I felt that that was pretty much expected, too. But did I want to celebrate the two and a half years of work to earn my master's?

Is the Pope Catholic?

Although, my attitude toward celebration has changed, because high school is such a stressful, crazy, overwhelming time of life. So, forget the degree--celebrate the fact that you made it out of there alive. Surviving high school is enough of a reason to celebrate. And if someone is throwing free money at you, all the better.

love 03.

143. sent out handwritten love notes.
144. spearmint tea.
145. working on project life spreads while my husband makes hot cocoa.
146. met some guys and girls from youth group tonight. i am so excited to see what God has in store for them + how i can help.
147. honesty in home life group.
148. steam room, facial, and massage for my birthday. best husband ever.
149. movie + dinner date with my husband.
150. also, i turned 25 on thursday.
151. new books: restless + becoming myself.

Things I'm hoping to add to my list this week:
+ a specific act of love for my husband
+ a specific act of love for a friend
+ thank you notes
+ painting a commission

punctuation + texting

While texting with a friend several weeks ago, she (jokingly) told me to stop yelling at her because I end sentences with exclamation points. The incident then popped up in conversation and led to an entire discussion of what we mean when we text certain things.

Using ellipses (...) tends to frustrate me more often than not. It signifies that the thought is incomplete, so even if the sender means nothing by it, I'm usually left wondering what those three periods are hiding.

Also, improper use of the ellipsis frustrates me. When it comes at the end of a sentence, there should be one period followed by a space and then the ellipses.

Like this. ...

However, I do use the ellipsis to indicate a deadpan face, as is mentioned in this NYT article on texting punctuation. Someone might send me a text about something totally ridiculous that happened to them and I just can't even so send back an ellipsis. I envision it as one of those tv moments where the character turns slowly toward the camera with an emotionless look.

Also, I'm one of those people who texts with proper grammar more often than not. I occasionally omit a comma here and there because otherwise my texts look more like they belong in an email than in a text message.

And I'm prone to inserting extra letters when I would draw out the word verbally. The article mentions "mini texting accents" which I see as reflections of our own personal accents that we have when we speak. And, if we have issues communicating verbally with others (let's face it--it's a common reason why couples seek counseling), how much more difficult is it to communicate effectively over text message, when emotions are heightened and that period seems offensive and you used the wrong form of "you're?"

Anyway. Obviously, I'm sharing this article with everyone this week.

the drop box film

I had heard of the film over a year ago and even blogged about it, but mostly forgot about it until a trailer showed during the previews for "Patterns of Evidence: Exodus" (which was also an incredible film that I highly recommend). I teared up during the trailer, so when Alan and I decided to see the film, I told him to prepare for me sobbing my eyes out.

When we took our seats in the theater, Alan said that he wasn't expecting me to sit through the entire thing, and I almost walked out a few minutes into the film because I was crying so hard. The film was absolutely heartbreaking and I think it was particularly hard for me because I could sort of put myself in some of those children's places. I think I cried the hardest when the bell rang at the beginning and everyone is swarming around the new arrival, when they read some of the letters that the birth mothers left with their babies, and when they talked about the unwanted babies and the issues that a child conceived out of wedlock can cause for a young mother--especially since my own biological mother was a minor.

At the end of the film, a link to the website was included to encourage people to donate and support adoptive families around them. And I totally believe that Pastor Lee needs financial support to create a better environment for those he loves. But I also believe that the baby box is a symbol, a symptom, of a much larger issue, the root of which is the lack of support that young, single Korean mothers face. If more programs existed (or if they received more publicity, as I know that some exist but I can't find the links at the moment), then perhaps these young women would know that suicide or abandonment aren't their only options. However, I also realize that even the support of a program is probably not enough to counter the pressures an expecting woman would face at home.

Overall, the experience was enlightening but incredibly heavy. And I hope it spurs more people to action.

love 02.

So, I've noticed that I have this habit of discovering good intentions and then getting busy and carried away with other things. Here are some of the highlights from the last week (+ a couple of days).

133. ordered some photos through the free prints app. now to scrapbook them with project life!
134. the cross 2015: undaunted.
135. working on a second commission + coffee.
136. finished work: samuel 1:27.
137. received a new order! praise God for His blessings.
138. made a vegan raspberry-lemon cheesecake.
139. celebrated purim for the first time ever.
140. packing extra tissues. going to see the drop box film with my husband.
141. my husband makes coffee for me just the way i like it.
142. growing in faith in the hard moments.

Between my phone and the cloud, I have a lot of digital photos. I'm hoping that the convenience of photo apps like Free Prints and Shutterfly (I recently placed an order through the app) combined with the convenience of Project Life will motivate me to document these things in a tangible way.

I recently started making original paintings featuring handlettered Scripture with sumi-e ink on watercolor backgrounds. At first, I did it for myself, but thanks to the provision of God and posting my work on Instagram, I've received a few orders for custom work. At the moment, the paint is drying on my current commission before I paint a verse. I'm not sure what will come of this venture, but I'm enjoying it and I figured that even if no one else wants to buy my work, Alan and I enjoy hanging it around the house. :)

Some friends invited us to their house to celebrate Purim. We had never celebrated it before, so it was amazing to spend time with friends over a wonderful meal and take turns reading Esther. Alan and I have talked about making that one of our family traditions. We finished the evening by playing The Journeys of Paul, a strategy board game in which Paul journeys from Jerusalem to Rome, building churches along the way. I was skeptical about it at first, but it was really fun. We decided that it would be a really interesting game to play among the chaplains.

I also made a vegan raspberry-lemon cheesecake for dessert. The link points to a blueberry-lime cheesecake, but I switched the fruits and used a premade crust. It was delicious; the recipe calls for coconut cream and cashews as the primary "cheese" ingredients, and we didn't even miss the cheese. One of my friends said that she normally does not like coconut but enjoyed it in the cheesecake. I will definitely be making it again.

Also, we saw The Drop Box Film. Alan and I were expecting that I would want to leave before the end, but I sat through it and bawled my eyes out and it was heartbreaking. I'm going to write another post about my response to the film.

love 01.

I meant to post this on Sunday, and then that didn't happen, and then the week got really busy ... so it's almost the end of the week, but here were/are my goals.

I realized that all three of my goals tie into my overall goal to love--creating a peaceful home is a way of showing love to my husband and those who enter our home, and reading the Word helps me to love God and realize His love for me.

// love: my husband //

• We spent most of Saturday having a game day. We purchased the game "Firefly" (based on the tv show); it's really time-intensive but we enjoy it.

// love: others //

• Enjoyed some tea and time with friends during our ladies' night at a local coffee shop.

// love: myself //

• I started working out again--my day usually starts off with 30-40 minutes of exercise, a shower, and tea while I read the Bible. I'm currently reading Isaiah and Psalms.
• I also finished "The Best Yes" and read "Let's All Be Brave." I started "Let's All Be Brave" thinking that it would be a fun, light read to occupy Saturday evening. It turned into a challenge that really spoke to something that's been on my heart for a few months--I was totally surprised. 

// home //

•  Organized the pantry.

// the Word //

• Read one chapter daily of Isaiah and Psalms.

And, for this week:

// love: my husband //

• Omitting for now, in case he reads this. :)

// love: others //

• Specifically encourage those I see at the center. 

// love: myself //

• Start reading "The Screwtape Letters."
• Read at least one chapter of "The Locust Effect."

 // home //

• Create a daily schedule for homemaking contributions (or find my old one).
• Organize the bookshelves and set aside some books to donate. 

// The Word //

• Continue reading one chapter daily of Isaiah and Psalms.

starting today

I love the idea of goal setting and new beginnings and lists, and there's even more motivation to do all of those things at this time of year. But, I don't want to limit myself to January 1, 2015, or January 1 of any other year, for that matter. So, I'm starting now.

A week or so ago, I had the idea that I want to focus more on love in my life. Loving God. Loving others. Loving myself. I realized that our society both inundates us with this idea that we should love ourselves and buy this and do that because we deserve it and we are awesome and at the same time tells us that we should spend our time and energy and money on others.

The people who are really awesome never take time for themselves. Look at how self-sacrificial she is. Look at how much he does.

But, if there's one thing I've learned from graduate school, it's that if I'm not taking care of myself, there's no way I can provide the best care for anyone else. (At the same time, when I'm feeling most selfish in my marriage, reaching out to love my husband tends to fill both of us.)

So, I want to spend more time exploring this concept of love. In pre-practicum over a year ago, we learned a technique that focused on death and regrets. I happened to be the client during the exercise, and I still remember that the student who acted as therapist in that class said that it sounded like my regret at death would be fear that I hadn't loved enough.

So, here goes. My goal is to reflect each week-ish on how I'm loving my husband, other family and friends, the community at large, and myself. I might only write about one of those areas, but I want to keep myself more accountable in this endeavor.

My other goal is to create a more peaceful and welcoming environment at home. Now that I've graduated, I have slightly more time to dedicate to getting back on a homemaking schedule. I want to clean the house more regularly and frequently and I would like to organize and redecorate some things.

My third major goal is to read the Word more often. During home life group, I admitted that my biggest excuse to not engaging with the Word more often is to skim a devotional in the morning and then say I'll go back and really study it later. (Later never happens, by the way.) So, I want to be more intentional with reading the Word and praying and really focusing on Scripture.

goals with grace: january

So, remember that month when I wrote that thing and did pretty much none of that thing? Actually, I did some of the thing.

Running as a form of self-care fell by the wayside in the second half of the month, mainly because both Alan and I had two weeks of leave and running at 6:30 in the morning was just not one of my top priorities. It wasn't a bottom priority, either. Running in the cold was easy last winter, but this winter I find that my ears hurt (like almost my ear drums) and my throat and lungs get cold (this was also not an issue last winter, and I was running in 30-40 degree weather on a regular basis). Basically, I find myself inconvenienced but not motivated enough to figure out how to deal with the ear thing. The throat and lungs thing is less of an issue.

However, I did sleep in, read books for fun, and took time for myself in other ways, so I did succeed in keeping some form of a self-care regimen.

I didn't host a brunch, either. Everyone was right (I'll admit it)--graduating and planning for Christmas and spending time with my husband and the rest of my family kept me busy and I did not make time to plan a brunch.

However, it is on the schedule for this month. I even set a date.

And we didn't work through Advent Conspiracy, but we did apply the principles to our first Christmas traditions.

But, hey. There's grace. And I have God to thank for that.

So, January.

+ reading. I want to finish "The Best Yes" and dig further into "The Locust Effect." I also want to get back into the habit of starting my day with the Word. Right now, I'm reading Isaiah and Psalms.

+ blogging. I also want to blog at least once a week--primarily about my goals for the year (which will be posted tomorrow), but I want to inhabit this space more often.

+ brunch. For, real, this time. The date is set, so now I want to design invitations and mail/hand them out by Sunday.

2014

I flew home to visit my family and we spent some time at Walt Disney World! // Alan and I enjoyed R&R and deployment came to an end. // My word for the year was less, with a general goal for me to work toward being content with less and stewarding God's provisions better. I've both struggled and succeeded with this. On the upside, even my struggles usually result in conviction and lessons learned for the future. // I ran three 5ks. Two were on the same day. // I flew to California to attend The Yellow Conference, where God showed up in amazing ways, and returned home with an idea but no idea how to implement it. I'm still stuck there. :( // That idea was The Too Much Day, a blogging community where people can write about days when life is just too much and what they really wish their friends/families/people in general knew about those tough days and what they really need. // We drove to South Padre Island for a mini vacation. // Alan received an Army Commendation Medal for his work during deployment and was also honored with the Honorable Order of St. Barbara. // I earned my master's degree in licensed clinical mental health counseling and was also a co-recipient of the University Mission Award. // We started creating our own Christmas/Advent traditions. // My parents and sister drove down to visit us for a few days.

Overall, 2014 was a year of great blessing. That's not to say that there weren't some trials, but I'm learning to focus more on the blessings instead of dwelling on the negative.

south padre island

When I feel the waves rush over my feet, pulling water across the beach as I sink deeper into the heavy sand, and allow myself to get lost in the seemingly endless expanse of the ocean, I feel closer to God. It renews me spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically. Now, I know that God is with me wherever I am. But I unfortunately allow myself to be swallowed by my schedule, by the city (however small it may be), and by the day to day stuff. <-- I need to work on not letting that happen so often.

We took advantage of a four-day weekend to drive to South Padre Island and relax together (including our three dogs). We drove the Jeep onto the sand and found an isolated stretch of beach, popped the trunk open, and set up a tent. Actually, Alan did all of the tent work. I ran around in the water with Chipmunk and Ophelia (Shooter, meanwhile, would have none of this water stuff and lounged in the Jeep most of the time). We enjoyed the water, napped in the tent, I read "The Locust Effect," and we ate elote (it's one of my favorite things ever).

It rained off and on--huge drops that pelted the water (and me) so that it seemed that the rain was coming from both above and below me--but the weather was sunny most of our trip. The clouds were large and puffy. Gazing at the sky, I briefly lamented over the fact that we no longer refer to the skies as "the heavens," and Isaiah 6:3 popped into my head. The New Living Translation says:

They were calling out to each other, "Holy, holy, holy is the LORD of Heaven's Armies! The whole earth is filled with his glory!"

How incredible is it to stop and ponder God's majesty--the way the waves will never stop, the circle of life in the scuttling crabs and the empty seashells that were once home to little animals. I tend to forget to look for God's invisible qualities in the every day; surrounding myself with nature helps to remind me how creative and amazing and worthy of praise God is.

For ever since the world was created, people have seen the earth and sky. Through everything God made, they can clearly see his invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature. So they have no excuse for not knowing God. -Romans 1:20 (NLT)

We also took the dogs for long walks and I attempted my own version of in vivo flooding by standing in shallow water at night, because the waves would temporarily beach little fish and they would flounder on the sand and work their way back into the water. Naturally, I thought it would be an excellent idea to stand where the fish would touch me and flop over my feet.

It was not an excellent idea. And I still have my fish phobia. Because honestly, how is anyone supposed to confidently enter the water when doing so throws you somewhere in the middle of the food chain? Obviously, I wouldn't go into water deeper than my ribcage. Alan, meanwhile, went all Jacques Cousteau and found some interesting marine life.

We also combed the beach for shells. Alan found a conch shell for me and I found a sand dollar for him. One of our traditions is to give each other gifts that we find as opposed to buy. Which works out really well because we spend most of our money on food, anyway.

We purchased some ceviche from the Shrimp Haus to eat in our condo on the first night and ate at the Sea Ranch Restaurant-Bar another evening. I realized that my favorite dinners tend to be the ones that we take out and eat wherever we are--on a trip to Galveston, we bought our dinner at Joe's Crab Shack but drove to the waterside to eat in the Jeep and watch the waves. We also tried Burgerfi, which has great veggie burgers and "urban fries"--fries with parmesan cheese, herbs, and garlic aoili. We made a Burgerfi stop on our way home and got comfy with the Jeep as our table--I've also realized that I really enjoy settling in to the Jeep on long road trips.

It's a relief to know that there are a few beaches within a day's drive of home, if ever we want to take a last minute trip. We also came home with some jugs of ocean water, which we simmered until we were left with some delicious sea salt. We made (if you "make" sea salt) a plain variety, as well as a roasted garlic and a rosemary garlic sea salt, so now we have constant (delicious) reminders of our first trip to South Padre Island.

throwback to deployment

I fell off the bandwagon as far as posting deployment updates, partially because I didn't want to violate OPSEC or PERSEC, partially because I was really busy and never made time for the blog, and partially because some things were just really private. But, now one of my classmates (or former classmates, I guess, which is really sad when I think about it) is about to experience deployment and I thought I would brush up on my experiences of the year. I jotted down some notes from time to time, so here are my (mostly) exact words. I also wrote about how I felt the night he told me that he would be deploying, and our thoughts later, and things becoming real (and you know it's really real if I'm at an FRG meeting--I haven't attended one in almost two years).

about 5 months before deployment
He snores a lot. It's annoying now, but it'll be too quiet in a few months.

about 4 months before deployment (Alan was in the field)
Day one of not seeing Alan for over 16 hours. Good deployment practice and I managed the dogs, house, and [foster] kids by myself.

about 1 month before deployment (1:29 a.m.)
I'm not at all tired ... and now, due to the extra time spent awake, I'm devastated about Alan leaving for a year. I'm so sad that we'll be apart. That's a huge portion of life that we'll miss together. I don't want him to go. I just want to hold on to him forever.

about 3 weeks before deployment
"That's what you need to show the cops when you get pulled over."
[Alan pulled out the insurance and registration in the Jeep.]

about 2 weeks before deployment
I was about to start creating a grocery list on an app so it would appear on both Alan's and my phones. Then I realized that the next time I go shopping, I'll do it alone.

do over

We've put another quarter in the slot – free play! Hit the reset button on a moment this year: what would you do over? Whether or not you analyze your actions – how would you act differently? Would the outcomes shift, or stay the same? From a single sentence to a whole day (and everything in-between), feel free to explain your choice, from how you felt immediately after the moment passed, to any thoughts that ran through your mind beforehand. Take a mulligan!

Graduate school has taught me so much about counseling, relationships, and myself. I would not trade the experiences that I have had over the past year, but something that I have shared with friends in other cohorts is that tending to your self-care and giving yourself permission to make mistakes is vital.

If I could do something over, it would be to learn that lesson faster and relax a bit more, especially during the spring semester. Burning myself out didn't help anyone (certainly not myself), and I hope other students realize this sooner rather than later. Society seems to expect us--or, perhaps more accurately: We seem to expect ourselves to keep full and active lives across a variety of areas, all while uploading filtered photos, tweets, and statuses that lead everyone else to think it's all effortless.

We take full course loads (and sometimes overloads), participate in our churches, volunteer in our communities, tell our supervisors that yes, we can take another client, make room for our families, keep up some semblance of having social lives, and feel our anxiety levels raising because there's another 14-page paper due and a presentation on theory on probably something else that we've forgotten. Not to mention the fact that we come last, because putting ourselves any higher on our list of priorities would seem selfish and wrong. (Or, maybe that was just me spring and part of summer semester. ...)

So, if I could do something over this year, it would be to take better care of myself from the beginning, instead of waiting for stress to build up to the point where I begrudgingly started putting myself first more often and realized that I wasn't going to be struck down by lightning for doing so.

goals with grace: december

I currently use a bullet journal to keep track of my daily goals and to-dos and finally-got-dones, but I like the idea of goals with grace, so I decided to link up!

My goals for December are:

+ practice self-care. The day before and the day of graduation are going to be extremely busy for almost the whole 48 hours, so if I don't take care of myself, I'm going to be very burned out and grumpy. And that's not how I want to remember earning my master's degree. Specifically, I plan to run a minimum of 35 miles this month (approximately 3.5 miles twice weekly). My bonus goal is to work back up to running at least 10k by the end of the month.

+ host a brunch. I really love the heart of the International Justice Mission and I'm currently reading The Locust Effect. I've been wanting to host a casual brunch for some ladies to talk about justice and raise money for IJM.

+ advent. Along with hosting a brunch, I want to introduce Advent Conspiracy to our home life group. Alan and I are talking about the sort of traditions we want to establish for ourselves and the sort of life we want to lead and I think the philosophy of Advent Conspiracy, which I discovered on another blog linked up with Goals with Grace, reflects that.