month 3 // Today was rough; I think it would have been easier if Alan were home. I was feeling sad and grateful to be blessed by a husband who orders pizza delivery from another continent and a friend who blessed me with a little pampering package.

month 4 // I don't want to say that certain people are "made" for the military lifestyle, as I don't believe that we were created to be separated from our spouses, but I do believe that some people adapt more easily and are more self-sufficient, traits that turn deployments into periods for growth and challenge instead of misery.

//

+ savage. Temperature in the 20s. Waist-deep water. Lots of mud. I ran the Savage Race and loved it. I skipped some of the challenges because I was afraid of hypothermia--Texas' Savage Race was the coldest on record!--but I still enjoyed the obstacles and have officially completed my second race.

+ volunteering. I started volunteering at the Family Life Chaplain Training Center on post. I'm there two days a week and I love it.

+ umhb. Three more semesters until graduation! Thanks to God and a supportive husband, I have maintained a 4.0 (which was a challenge, especially since I had a stomach flu during finals week). Also, I think solution-focused brief therapy is "my" approach. I really like it. One of my professors also loaned some emotion-focused therapy material to me and I've been studying it over break.

+ almost there. I ran 9.06 miles. I could have made it to 10 but I quit because my phone (and therefore, Endomondo) died around 7 miles and I wanted to know exactly how far I ran. Also, after surviving the Savage Race, I did two evening runs in 23F and 27F weather, respectively. It was raining the second time.

+ flyboys. After a friend recommended Flyboys to me, I purchased it and have been reading it off and on for several months. I finally finished it. In my opinion, the book was well-researched; I enjoyed learning about the history of Japan and Japanese-American relations as well as an area of history I had not studied before.

+ bucket list. Some friends and I went to Outback for dinner--it was my first visit, so I can cross off another item on my deployment bucket list! Also, I took a friend out to lunch at Rosa's after PWOC--yes, I was there the Tuesday after I posted about it and have been going semi-regularly ever since. I attended a class on mentorship based on At the Feet of Ordinary Women and asked the ladies to pray about whether any of them would be interested in mentoring me. Recently, one of them approached me and she's going to start mentoring me in the new year! And, I'm currently writing from Pennsylvania. Plus, my wonderful husband scheduled a massage for me last month and it was amazing.

+ snapchat. I downloaded Snapchat. My sister and I have been using it to send each other pictures of our dogs. While we're both in the same room.

the d-word: deployment thoughts [month 1]

It's already been a month? It seems like he just left.

It also seems like he's been gone for half of forever.

///

He's finally received one of the two letters that I've sent so far, but I have yet to receive his first thanks to the postal service.

///

I was working at my computer when I heard what sounded like two gunshots.

Now, when you grow up in a rural area near a shooting range in a state where most schools are closed on the first day of deer hunting season, you tend to know what gunshots sound like. However, when you then move into a heavily populated area near an elementary school, you tend to forget what gunshots sound like (large artillery is another matter).

So, when I first heard the noise, I decided to go into the backyard and see if anyone else had heard anything. No one else was outside, but then I heard the sound repeat again, twice--definitely gunshots. I grabbed my phone and went out the front door. The streets seemed deserted, but then I noticed some people standing in a driveway a few houses away, so I asked them if they heard what sounded like gunshots.

They had, in fact, they saw more than the empty streets that I saw, and they hoped that everyone was ok. We heard police sirens but realized that they were heading toward the opposite end of the city, so I thanked them and left. And then I called the police.

I ended up telling Alan--at first I wasn't going to mention anything, but I'm trying to remain as open as possible. Which is a challenge, because he's the first person I want to tell about whatever is happening but then I don't want him to worry or stress over something that he can't fix.

Note: From what I can tell, the media hasn't reported about the incident and I have not heard anything further.

///

In the middle of the night, Ophelia wanted to go outside. When I turned on the light in the living room, I was surprised by a little gecko clinging to the ceiling. I wondered if I'd ask Alan to take him outside if he was there, but the thought went no further because the truth is, he wasn't there and I was and I was too tired and too short to find something and reach up and catch the little creature and release it outside.

So, there's a small Mediterranean House Gecko somewhere in my house right now.

///

The gecko is in my bedroom. I tried to capture him but he ran behind my dresser.

///

I ran 7.01 miles--another bucket list item to cross off of my list. As I was running past Alan's workplace, I saw white buses pull up in the parking lot. Crowds of people swarmed/stood in formation on the field. And someone announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, America's heroes are home!" I started crying as I ran because not all of America's heroes are home and we still have such a long time before we're together again.

just curious

A whole week hasn't even passed and I already have a deployment story.

Recently, I was watching "The Expendables 2" (which was rather absurd and the acting was disappointing, in case you wanted to know). Near the end of the movie, I heard a thump outside. My first thought was that burglars will risk making noise once because people usually don't investigate unless they hear noise a second time. The noise didn't continue, but I was still on edge until the movie finished.

At that point, I could hear a muffled sound like water running from the spigot in front of the house. I started walking around the house, wondering where the noise was coming from. I wondered if maybe some kids had pulled a prank and turned on the spigot. At 1 a.m. On a weeknight. (Kids, where are your parents?)

After mustering lots of courage, I finally went outside to check the perimeter of the house. At first, I couldn't see anything.

And then I noticed the spring bubbling up beneath one of the windows directly in front of the house. My first thought was, "I didn't know there was a spring here!" And I was totally think of a cenote, ok? At 2 a.m., this seemed like a perfectly logical explanation for about three whole seconds.

I then spent the next couple of hours Googling "front yard broken pipe" and "turn off main water" and "killeen tx water company." I also texted my friends to ask how to turn off the water and if that was a bad idea. At this point, there was also an entire anthill swarming the window with their eggs in an attempt to escape the miniature fountain, so I kept checking the house to make sure no ants were inside.

I considered calling my dad at 3 a.m. to ask if he knew where I might find the water valve. But, I was afraid that he and my mom would worry, and I told my friend that my mom would probably drive down to Texas herself and pack up the house and take me back to Pennsylvania until Alan returned. I also considered texting Alan to panic/ask what to do, but then I decided that I could figure it out myself and I didn't want to bother him and he probably wouldn't see the text, anyway. But, I did send this:

And then my friend came over to lend moral support and help me traipse around the perimeter looking for the water meter.

Finally, I found it in front of the house but everything was covered in packed dirt, so I could only see the water meter. My friend thought maybe the valves weren't there. We decided to check the garage for the millionth time.

Then, someone arrived to turn off the water. He went over to the water meter hole and stuck some type of key in the dirt to shut it off. It took about one minute for him to get to the meter and shut off the water.

And then I paid him $40.

And then my friend and I talked about the sprinkler system bursting at her home near Ft. Huachuca when she was alone and we commiserated over the fact that I had recently posted something to the effect of, "Hopefully we won't have any deployment stories like [my friend's]!" on Facebook.

And then I went to bed.

Two days later, a plumber from Alsop Plumbing arrived. I called three companies for estimates but one didn't return my call and Alsop seemed less costly and friendlier (because I should obviously judge skill by the friendliness of the receptionist). As frustrating as it was not to have running water, I was super grateful for my habit of leaving half-full glasses of water around the house.

the d-word: deployment thoughts [part 8]

 

This is the last post about my family's pre-deployment experience. The series started at the beginning of the year. Each post--and the mini posts within each--contains my thoughts on the deployment process as or soon after various events occurred. For OPSEC purposes, I will not include specific dates, locations, etc. Alan has read each one and his thoughts are included in certain posts. I hope that these posts will shed some light on our experiences; thank you for reading and God bless!

Read previous pre-deployment thoughts: 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6

The Day He Left

He was gone too quickly.

The day he left, we arrived early because he needed to take colored tape. Everyone was supposed to identify their bags with colored tape. Basically everyone did not identify their bags with colored tape.

I stood around, watching and waiting and occasionally losing him ten yards away from me because when his back is turned and everyone dresses the same, it's sometimes hard to recognize him. I was usually able to spot him because someone was asking him a question.

I waited a lot. And we waited a lot. And our friends came to see him off. I'm so grateful that we have such supportive and loving friends.

Seeing him with a weapon was not unnerving, as I expected that it would be. The unnerving part was watching some people try to figure out how to put straps on their weapons.


At some point, a woman from the FRG handed a little flag to me. I remember thinking that I wanted my husband, not a flag, and I didn't understand the point but I took it, anyway.

Toward the end, I was chatting with another lady when I happened to glance down the field and realized that everyone but Alan's company was listening to a speech by the sergeant major. I was disappointed that we missed the speech, but when the buses began to load and Alan's company was still in the arms room, I decided that if I had to stand around and wait, I might as well be with him. I guiltily rushed off to find my husband while everyone else's husbands boarded the buses.

Keeping the tears at bay while walking from the arms room to the bus was difficult. I held his arm and I was secretly, guiltily, glad that he was late as we walked to the last bus--all of the others were full and the families had already been separated.

And then we separated because he had to get his bags. Amidst the calls to get on the bus and hurry up, we managed to meet up again and steal a quick kiss--it was nothing like what I was expecting; it was too brief and too unfeeling to be the culmination of an entire morning of waiting, but it was a kiss and then he disappeared up the steps.

We waved and waited for a few more minutes before the buses finally began to pull away. As the buses disappeared around the corner and the noise died away, the parking lot was filled with silence and then the held-in-for-too-long sniffles and crying of those left behind. It was heart wrenching and horrible but wonderful to know that I was not the only one. I sat in my car in the parking lot for at least half an hour and watched as other soldiers went about their day as though they had no idea that an entire unit had just left their families for a year (and they were probably going about their day as though they had no idea because they had no idea).

I debated about whether I should go home or call my friend and ask if I could visit. In the end, I went home and discovered a huge Hello Kitty balloon and chest on the kitchen table, along with a bottle of wine, some Hello Kitty pajamas, After Eight chocolate mints, and some notes from friends with instructions to wear the pajamas, watch a movie, drink the wine, cry, and then come to home life group that night if I felt up to it.

It was odd to go to home life group without Alan even though I know it will, at some point, become normal. I drank coffee and wasn't tired afterward so I went on post and parked at Alan's unit. I decided to go for a run--I ran 3.21 miles.

the d-word: deployment thoughts [part 7]

This is the seventh in a series of posts that I began drafting at the beginning of this year. Each post--and the mini posts within each--contains my thoughts on the deployment process as or soon after various events occurred. For OPSEC purposes, I will not include specific dates, locations, etc. Alan has read each one and his thoughts are included in certain posts. I hope that these posts will shed some light on our experiences; thank you for reading and God bless!

Read previous pre-deployment thoughts: 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6

Our Last Week

By Elizabeth I'm so thankful for our Chapel Next family. Last month, I asked to cancel the Baking Brigade outreach for the month; it was still the first month that we've missed. Two chaplains asked if I was ok and I explained that Alan would be leaving and we wanted to spend some time together. Today was our last Sunday together. The chaplains and some of the members of the congregation laid hands on us as Alan prepares for his 10th deployment and I prepare for my first experience as the spouse of a deployed service member. It's heart-wrenching to know that this was the last time that we will sit together in the pew for a while, but it was also uplifting to be surrounded by people who care about us--some of whom barely know us but understand. It was encouraging to be approached by total strangers and told that they would be willing to offer a hand to help or a shoulder to lean on. Afterward, we went out to lunch with some friends. Usually, Alan pays--but this time, he had left his wallet in the Jeep. Not only was it the first time in a long time that I needed to use my card when we were together, but I realized that it would also be the first time of quite a long period of time. /// It hit me that I'm going to be in class the night before he leaves. We were getting ready for bed and I suddenly felt like we'd been cheated of time. We have a habit of frequently asking, "What are you thinking?" when one of us is quiet. But when he asked what I was thinking, I felt my throat close and all of a sudden a tear spilled out. I cried for a while as we cuddled. It's not that he's leaving that upsets me but rather that he's leaving without me. /// Less than 48 hours from now, we're going to be apart. /// I helped him pack the rest of his things. I told him that I wanted the house to be clean so he would remember it that way; he told me that all he would remember is what I look like, not the house.

By Alan "Sad" is only three letters yet a plethora of meaning is contained. No, it does not get easier the more you deploy. You only learn coping skills that make it seem that way. Out of all I volunteered to do for this country I feel this is the most difficult task that has been asked of me. I also know it is because even though I have left family and friends before, I now have to leave part of me behind. I have never had to do that before. My soul mate, best friend, and wife has to stay while I go to some country to do what my country asks. Our Chapel Next family is awesome. They are there to support us when it is needed. I always am amazed by how God works amongst His people. No matter where we are whether in a civilian population or military community (which is a little easier because they can relate better) God's people are always supportive and caring. Without Him I would have never met my better half that makes all things better throughout our day with just a simple touch of her hand. More than anything we have or ever will do in our wonderful lives, I will always miss just talking and sitting with each other. This year will be hard yet I know God will provide and bring us together again.

which way to the mission field?

Annie over at What She Saw recently wrote about progress and fear and her latest calling to the mission field. And I have to admit, I was a little bit envious. My home church never sponsored mission trips and the military chapel doesn't organize them, either. But, I want to go. And as I was thinking about this, about the possibility that maybe the chapel doesn't organize mission trips because it's too much of a logistical nightmare with bureaucracy and the culture of moving every few years. Because in military families, we don't go to foreign places for three weeks, we go to foreign places for three years.

I was stirring my peaches and cream instant oatmeal when it dawned on me that that--that place wherever the military sends us--that is our mission field. (Guys, why has it taken so long for me to make this connection?)

Because, aren't missions all about building community and serving others and sharing the love of Christ? I don't have to go to a village in Africa or Mexico or wherever in order to build community and serve others and share Christ's love! I am not confined to building schools or houses or bringing fresh water to remote locations (although I am definitely not knocking any of those because they are all priceless and worthy causes and if you need any proof of that, check out The Williams Post). I've limited myself by narrowing my definition of missions, by thinking that if I want to serve, it has to be in some big, memorable, life-changing way (like going to Africa or Mexico). But, that's not true.

And, if that's the case--if missions is about community and service and love, then am I not already doing that (even if I could be doing that better)? Aren't those things woven into the weekly group hosted here, the monthly outreach to the barracks?

The answer to that is yes. And at first, I felt like I was boasting. And I realized that I am, but it's not about me and what I've done, but what God has done through me. This is about God and how I can open myself--my eyes, my heart, my willingness to step out of my comfort zone--to serve and love those around me.

That, to me, is what following Christ is all about.

I'm still learning, still seeking to know my Father better every day, to seek and desire His will and align my life more closely with what He wants for me. I'm still learning to shed my own selfish wants in order to advance His kingdom here on earth. But this was a huge epiphany for me and I am so excited to see how it will affect the way I interact with others.

the d-word: deployment thoughts [part 6]

This is the sixth in a series of posts that I began drafting at the beginning of this year. Each post--and the mini posts within each--contains my thoughts on the deployment process as or soon after various events occurred. For OPSEC purposes, I will not include specific dates, locations, etc. Alan has read each one and his thoughts are included in certain posts. I hope that these posts will shed some light on our experiences; thank you for reading and God bless!

Read previous pre-deployment thoughts: 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5

Summer II 2013

The younger feels sad and the older says that he feels nothing because he is used to it. But how do you remember that as a normal part of life when you only remember one--the most recent--deployment? #teenageangst /// MFLC was productive. /// I'm upset that our four-day Park Hopper tickets for Disney are going to be wasted. I'm disappointed that no one at Disney seems to be very helpful and Shades of Green won't even return our phone calls or emails. Seriously, Disney. You are disappointing me. But, I knew what I was signing up for when I married him, and last-minute schedule changes are a fact of life. We went to the MWR office on post, where we purchased them--we were told to stand outside the building and try to sell them. The problem is that reselling Disney tickets is illegal. I don't even want a refund. I'd be happy if I could just get the expiration date extended; I'd be more than willing to pay the difference in cost between the current military pass and the upcoming military pass. I just want to enjoy time with my husband in Walt Disney World before he leaves for a year. Because how can you be sad about being separated when you're together at the happiest place on earth? /// In the end, Alan was able to schedule some leave. We drove to Florida and spent four glorious days enjoying each other's company and wandering through the parks. We stayed at a cheaper hotel; we didn't even have money for souvenirs; we took our own food, and I still think my favorite memory will be the last night we spent in the hotel just talking together. My favorite day will be the one we spent meandering through Hollywood Studios, not speed-walking in the heat to get a FastPass for Test Track. It was wonderful and coming home meant that I could see our dogs again, but it also means that we're another day closer to deployment. /// My closest friend told me that she's been thinking of us, that thinking of Alan leaving me has brought her near tears a few times, that she thinks she's so emotional because she's remembering when her own husband deployed. It's things like this that affirm my decision to stay here. I love my friends and family in Pennsylvania (and I kind of, sort of, maybe miss fall and the mountains), but this community understands like few others do. /// I have long been a fan of No Model Lady. I like her wit. But her post, "Have Faith, Be Strong, Make it Work" brought me to tears (specifically, "Deployment Survival: An Open Letter" and "What Goodbye is Like"). The house is a mess and I wish I could devote my day to keeping it clean and nice and ready and relaxing for Alan when he comes home. I might have earned a 4.0 every semester, but I don't care so much if my house hasn't been thoroughly cleaned this week (or this month). I'm frustrated because I'm spending my evenings in the classroom when I know that he is at home and soon won't be there to greet me.

the d-word: deployment thoughts [part 5]

This is part five in a series of posts that I began drafting at the beginning of this year. Each post--and the mini posts within each--contains my thoughts on the deployment process as or soon after various events occurred. For OPSEC purposes, I will not include specific dates, locations, etc. Alan has read each one and his thoughts are included at the bottom of certain posts. I hope that these posts will shed some light on our experiences; thank you for reading and God bless!

Read previous pre-deployment thoughts: 1 // 2 // 3 // 4

Summer II 2013

 
He pulled out the packing list last night. We talked about our feelings regarding the separation; I told him that I thought it might be helpful for me to help him pack. And by, "help him pack," I mean that I put on his cold weather pants and zipped myself in his sleeping bag and waddled around the house in my cocoon of cozy softness. (But I also actually packed his A-bag, even though I have no idea what the "A" in "A-bag" means.)

It's weird to think that I'll have the house and he'll have a bag and a crate.

///

When we lie together at night and he's asleep and he pulls me close, I try to memorize how he feels against me because I know his side of the bed will be empty soon.

///

This is the second Independence Day that we've celebrated together. This is the second year that I've wanted to host a party, but totally forgot until I realize that it's already July and I am too overwhelmed to come up with a cute menu and decorations. And next year, I'll be celebrating it without my husband.

///

Alan had staff duty (meaning that he works for 24 hours consecutively) yesterday. I kept thinking that this is what it's like when he's in the field (meaning that he works for a week or two or more consecutively). And then I realized that at some point in the future, I'll stop relating the late nights of working and meaningless Netflix television to the field and it'll just start being the way things are.

///

Because Alan had to handle a work issue in the morning, I sat alone in church. I started thinking of how this is going to be our weekly reality pretty soon, and started crying. I'm sad about being separated, because all of the Skype chats, emails, care packages, and letters in the world can't measure up to actually being physically together.

 

the d-word: deployment thoughts [part 4]

 

This is part four in a series of posts that I began drafting at the beginning of this year. Each post--and the mini posts within each--contains my thoughts on the deployment process as or soon after various events occurred. For OPSEC purposes, I will not include specific dates, locations, etc. Alan has read each one and his thoughts are included in certain posts. I hope that these posts will shed some light on our experiences; thank you for reading and God bless!

Read previous pre-deployment thoughts: 1 // 2 // 3 

Summer I 2013

 
From Elizabeth

I resent the flak jacket--it's probably not called a flak jacket--and combat helmet setting by the front door. He took it to work with him today.

///

I'm planning lots of home improvement projects while he's gone. Part of me wants to keep the house exactly as it is, but part of me wants to keep making the house homier.

One of my friends has already volunteered to help me replace the carpeting in the living room and hallway with laminate. Both of us have watched the installation process before and we've decided that that's enough experience for us to tackle the project ourselves.

I want to make a list of things to accomplish while Alan is gone.

(That list is now the deployment bucket list.)

From Alan

I am curious about how long this list will actually grow, also how much of it will be accomplished and thirdly, how I will react to the wonderful changes my loving spouse makes. I love her ideas and am excited to see them laid out.

the d-word: deployment thoughts [part 3]

 

This is the third of a series of posts that I began drafting at the beginning of this year. Each post--and the mini posts within each--contains my thoughts on the deployment process as or soon after various events occurred. For OPSEC purposes, I will not include specific dates, locations, etc. Alan has read each one and his thoughts are included in certain posts. I hope that these posts will shed some light on our experiences; thank you for reading and God bless!

Read previous pre-deployment thoughts:
pre-deployment thoughts [part i] 
the d-word: deployment thoughts [part 2]

Spring II 2013

We attended a town hall meeting a couple of weeks ago. There was a PowerPoint presentation, of course.

This is where your spouses will live. This is where they will eat. This is where their general location is on a map.

Don't forget to take care of your wills. And your powers of attorney. Spouses, make sure the FRG has your contact information in case of an emergency. And let us know if you leave the area.

///

We returned from our honeymooniversary on Saturday (you can read about our cruise here and here). It was lovely (minus me being sick for almost half of it) and sad all at once. Our last hurrah before he leaves.

At one of the airports, we stopped at a USO. And even though I barely interacted with anyone there, it was just comforting to know that the people around me were in some way connected to the military community. They understood--unlike the people on the cruise ship, who stared or smiled or shook hands or said nothing.

the d-word: deployment thoughts [part 2]

This is the second of a series of posts that I began drafting at the beginning of this year. Each post--and the mini posts within each--contains my thoughts on the deployment process as or soon after various events occurred. For OPSEC purposes, I will not include specific dates, locations, etc. Alan has read each one and his thoughts are included alongside mine in certain posts. I hope that these posts will shed some light on our experiences; thank you for reading and God bless!

Read previous pre-deployment thoughts:
pre-deployment thoughts [part i]

Spring I 2013 

From Elizabeth He has orders. He is officially going somewhere at some point. And I am oddly calm about the entire situation--for now. I am a little jealous; I told Alan that if it weren't for the dogs and the house and grad school and home life group and life group and the Baking Brigade, I would want to travel or find a job overseas. I am a little sad; I don't want to spend any part of our life apart. But I understand that it's his job and this could happen and God has already blessed us with more than other newlywed couples in the military. And I believe that He works everything for good--although I think of how we turned off a military marriage DVD less than 10 minutes into the session because it was about deployment, and we (I?) didn't have to worry about that. The little things prepare me and remind me of what we'll miss. Our friend sitting beside me in the pew alone because her husband was helping count the offering--and knowing that that will be me, and that it has been and will continue to be many other women, for a long time coming. Chipmunk barking angrily at the front door because I didn't let her in the house when she wanted and decided to find a way out of the backyard--and realizing that at some point, I'm going to have to find a way to fix holes by myself call one of our friends to fix the holes. A sink and counter full of dirty dishes from home life group--the dawning that Alan won't be around to do the dishes for me (it's probably my least favorite homekeeping contribution). A rare moment to cuddle together on the couch, and wondering when we'll again be able to spend an afternoon just sitting together without interruption.

From Alan After discussing these and many more, reality set in and I wanted to make Elizabeth's home alone time less drastic. I frantically started researching the post where I would be going and setting into action possible methods for phone and Internet service. I want it to be as if it could almost be believed that I am still secretly around (minus the dishes, of course, since they can't magically do themselves). So I automatic drafted all bills and updates that had to happen. I wanted to have all those things taken care of and she still would not have to change her daily routine as much. I completed all services due and that would be due while I was gone for her vehicle. Then I realized after completing all of this, it still was not going to make it seem as if I was here--because it's not about those things being done, but rather me being here to do them.

pre-deployment thoughts [part i]

This is the first of a series of posts that I began drafting at the beginning of this year. Each post--and the mini posts within each--contains my thoughts on the deployment process as or soon after various events occurred. For OPSEC purposes, I will not include specific dates, locations, etc. Alan has read each one and his thoughts are included at the bottom of certain posts. I hope that these posts will shed some light on our experiences; thank you for reading and God bless!

Winter 2013

You would never guess that Alan was injured in a parachuting accident, especially since he even deployed after he recovered.  He's considered non-deployable for combat deployments.

Support missions, not so much.

When he left PA for Ft. Hood, his unit had deployed; there was a possibility that he could be sent there, too; and I was worried that we would have to postpone our wedding until this past November (what an inconvenience).  However, he stayed behind, and I figured that he would probably never deploy again, since the war was officially winding down, he was preparing to retire, and everything always happens to everybody else.

Still, a little part of me kept the "what if" train of thought running.

Last night, after I returned home from my first night of class this semester, he said that there was a possibility that they might deploy.  To somewhere.  At some time.

It took a minute or two of talking about it for me to realize that he was actually including himself in the "we," "us," "our" statements--every other time he talked like that, I assumed that he was not included, because he would not be deploying.  Immediately, I started shivering a little, because I tend to do that when I'm stressed.  Though, whether the stress was from realizing that deployment is a possibility or whether it was from the fact that I was slightly jealous, I have no idea.

I do know that I feel guilty about the whole thing, because I approached the situation rather rationally and dismissively.  Like, "Oh, you might deploy?  Well, let me know when you have some more solid information, and I'll start considering it, because I'm sure I'll be more emotional then."

On the one hand, I think it would be rotten to have to leave a wife who is emotionally and mentally falling apart and absolutely miserable about the whole thing.  On the other hand, I think it would be equally rotten to have to leave a wife who's maybe sort of jealous that you're leaving and she isn't. 

one year reflections

You know you're connected to the military community when anything longer than two years seems like a long time to live in the same place.

For several weeks after arriving here, I felt like a guest, like this was Alan's home and I was here temporarily. It took a while for me to acclimate myself to this building, to these four walls, and the fact that this is my home. And sometimes when I'm standing at the threshold and I've just opened the front door, I still catch a whiff of the fresh this-is-my-first-time-walking-in-this-door scent (which reminds me of the this-is-freshman-year scent that the dorm used to have at the beginning and end of every school year). But regardless of the scent that greets me (fortunately, it has yet to be anything unpleasant), I no longer feel like this is just a visit--I feel like I'm home.

When I am in an airport USO around familiar haircuts and young women with baby strollers and no husbands in sight, I know and I am home.

When I am driving around post or reading in my backyard and hear mess call echoing across the way like some martial adhan, I am home.

When someone asks me how long I've been at Ft. Hood and I can no longer say, "Since the end of June," I am home.

When I water the yard and hear the announcement jingle echo from the Jeep dealership, I think of sweltering summer days and trickling rivulets that are impossibly hot and hunting for fossils like Dad and I used to do, and I am home.

When I water the yard, I am home. Because seriously, who waters grass and why are there gaping cracks in my backyard and why can't we have a basement?

When I select my ID card by feel amidst the pile of plastic in my wallet as I'm exiting the highway, I am home.

When I vacuum the carpet for the third time that day because the dogs track dirt inside but I'm happy because this is my house and I want it to be clean, I am home.

When I wait at the window for Alan's truck to pull in the driveway because he texted, "On my way home" a few minutes ago and then race three dogs to the front door because everyone wants his attention, I am home.

driving, or something like it.

"You've survived the war, now survive the highways."

There's a sign on the right-hand side of the road as you leave the main gate.  It has three lights--red, yellow, and green--and a counter that displays the number of days since the last traffic fatality.  Depending on the number of days that have passed, a different colored light lights up.

It was red the last time I passed it.  The last time being this afternoon, when Alan and I were leaving chapel.

In the ten months that I've been here, we have yet to make it to triple digits, but we've made it past 50, and that seems to be pretty good.

Too frequently, the light remains red and the number in the single digits.

This sign (and others like it) has fascinated and saddened me ever since I first saw it.

I think of the spouses, the parents, the children, loved ones left behind, and the thought sticks with me until it's time to merge onto I-35, because I need to concentrate if I don't want to be the one who sends the counter back to 0.  Drivers don't always yield and sometimes people seem to remember at the last minute that they don't actually want to take the access road to go home (because it's not like they drive this route every day or anything). ...

And so, they cut in front, and I'm keeping my eyes simultaneously glued to the vehicle in front of me and to the car to my right--is he going to cut me off?--and the traffic to my left.  I don't want my husband thinking of me every time he passes the sign ...

... 6 days since Elizabeth died.

Fort Hood brings people from across the country, across the world, and their driving styles show it.  I'm not sure what a native Texan driver is like, but many drivers in Killeen drive like their parents just filled out the logs without actually holding their teenagers accountable aggressively.

At least, they seem so for someone whose typical definition of a traffic jam is three cars behind a tractor (or a horse and buggy).

But, hey, I don't have to have every destination referenced to me in terms of its relation to Lowe's anymore.  When I first arrived, we went to Lowe's a lot, so it became my landmark--if I'm going to the Soldiers' Hospitality House, I should pass Lowe's.  There's an amazing, hole-in-the-wall Thai restaurant (Amazing Thailand) in the plaza in front of Lowe's.  Firehouse Subs is farther down, near where Lowe's Blvd. intersects with Trimmier.

My life pretty much revolved around Lowe's.

But now I am learning, and my memory serves me better when I'm not stressing out about whether I'm going to cause an accident and am I in the right lane to turn around and do I need this exit or the next one?

And so we continue to survive the highways.

are you sure you don't have to go to the bathroom?

 + your house looks like you have kids. i feel better now. This quote sums up our life pretty well, right now. Without going into much detail, Alan and I became temporary foster parents for the children of a friend (hence the lack of updates). You can imagine what our house looks like.

I recently read and loved this book. Our younger foster child and I spent the morning outside, eating breakfast and playing.

+ how do you wake up so early? Hearing this question from our oldest foster child reminded me of my pre-college school years. I could never understand how my mom, aunt, or grandmother could be so chipper/relentless/creative/annoying while trying to rouse me at 6:30 a.m. Yet, here I am, waking at 5:30 a.m. and having to stop myself from loudly greeting everyone with, "Time to make the doughnuts!" Which my aunt used to say.

A week after we became foster parents, Alan sent me to a local spa for a massage--at the end, the therapist said that I still needed more work. Also, I love Aveda Comforting Tea.

+ mind if i pray? Something else from childhood that I've incorporated into our foster children's lives is morning prayer. My mom used to pray for my sister and me before we walked to the bus stop, or, if she drove us to school, she prayed in the car on the way to school. (Honestly, at the time I didn't really care, as I saw it as just another prayer/something else to make me late--in my mind, because we were almost never late for the bus--but now I appreciate it so much more.) And, since I drop off and pick up our oldest foster child from school every day, I've started praying as we turn onto the street where the school is. I can't remember my mom's prayer verbatim, but I pray for some of the same things--wisdom on tests, making good friends, safety, guidance, and a Godly influence in the lives of friends.

Last month, the Baking Brigade connected with soldiers--some about to deploy and some who had arrived at Ft. Hood just the day before. We used Whisker Graphics' Air Mail Divine Twine.

 + dinosaurs and man. Alan arranged for Mike Riddle to come to Chapel Next and hold a Creation Training Initiative class on Saturday. Mike also taught during Sunday Morning Life Group (about dinosaurs and man), and during the church service (about Genesis and discernment). Having attended a mostly secular college, I never received any apologetics teaching (nor did I ever receive any from my home church--that I recall--which I attended until I moved to Texas last summer), so hearing that dinosaurs only recently (hundreds-ish) became extinct was interesting. I also wish churches would teach more about a Biblical worldview.

 

happy support freedom of speech day!

We experienced our first FRG meeting as a couple yesterday.  Driving across post to get to the venue took longer than the actual meeting.  And I never thought I'd be so happy to see 40 m.p.h. signs.

We also stopped by Alan's office building.  I was hoping to see his office and he was hoping to pick up his coffee mugs.  He told me that there was a certain parking spot where I should park, and it was designated for the first sergeant.  As I pulled into the parking lot, he explained that there were a few spots for different people, so I needed to look for the first sergeant one.

Who knew "first sergeant" would be stenciled on as "1SG?"  Clearly, not me.

On the upside, after we picked up the boys from Bob's Diner (which is actually held at the chapel ... and not by a man named "Bob"), we went to Chick-Fil-A to support Chick-Fil-A Day.  On the way, we explained that it had nothing to do with the CEO's personal beliefs, but that there is a difference between disagreement and discrimination, and we live in a country where we should not be punished or discriminated against for disagreeing or standing up for our own beliefs.