A month or so before The Yellow Conference, I started to have doubts about going (again). The newness of buying my ticket had worn off and I realized that it was going to fall during the first week of classes. Plus, I stress myself out with worry over making it to the gate on time. And I would be going to California by myself.

But I joined the Facebook page for attendees and God used it to reassure me of His plan for me to go. As I got to know some of the ladies, I realized that many of them posted about working in ministry or wrote about grace and blessings. In spite of the fact that The Yellow Conference wasn't advertised as a "Christian" conference, I realized that God would be with us.

That boosted my confidence about going for a while, but then about a week or two before the conference, I really dug in my heels. (Seriously, I didn't even ask my friend for a ride to the airport until a few days before I left.)

Sunday rolled around and I overslept and missed Sunday morning life group. On Sunday night, I started to worry about everything I still had to do but felt like I had no time for (i.e. packing). On Monday, two of my clients called to reschedule and I suddenly had a whole afternoon to pack and make arrangements.

I told my friend that I'd been feeling like God had worked out everything for me to go, but I still didn't want to go. She said that she wished I had been in Sunday morning life group because the lesson (the final chapter of Priscilla Shirer's "Discerning the Voice of God") was on obedience.

When you hear God speak and you know it's Him, just obey.

Hearing that gave me such peace that whatever resistance I'd been feeling before then disappeared.

So I hopped on a plane and headed off to California.

yellow conference

A couple of months ago, I was searching for a Christian women's conference to attend. I've been feeling passionate about a couple of different things, but I lack direction. I know my starting point and sort of my ending point, but everything in between is a giant question mark. I hoped that a conference would help direct me to some answers. For the most part, they were either out of my price range or scheduled at an inopportune time.

And then Hannah Brencher posted about a conference for women who want to change the world. Women who have passions and aren't quite sure what to do with them. I immediately checked out Yellow Conference and felt excitement bubbling in my chest.

But also doubt.

Should I really be spending money to attend a conference that isn't Christ-centered? I should probably put that money toward Influence or Hope Spoken or something like that. On the other hand, perhaps I'm meant to go to Yellow Conference, anyway. After all, Christ didn't call us to lead insular lives surrounded by believers.

I battled with signing up for several weeks.

And then I realized that the conference is in El Segundo, which happens to be close to Hermosa and Redondo beaches. I'd been thinking about those beaches a lot, lately. I've really been wanting to go back to relax. Plus, the conference falls in between semesters. It could celebrate surviving Internship I and refresh myself before heading into my last semester (God willing). And then one of my friends prayed for me to attend Yellow Conference. And then God really blessed Alan and me--I'll share that story another time, but one of the results was a travel voucher for an airline, which Alan immediately said would go toward my flight for the conference.

And that's how I came to be the proud owner of one ticket to Yellow Conference.

give when it's not fair.

 

I'd love like I'm not scared
Give when it's not fair
Live life for another
Take time for a brother
Fight for the weak ones
Speak out for freedom
Find faith in the battle
Stand tall but above it all
Fix my eyes on you

I may or may not sing along with this song every time it plays on the radio.

Lately, I've realized that giving when it's not fair seems like a mostly Christian value that isn't shared in the world. And I'm not saying this to be puff up or draw attention to myself, but it leads to a lot of "You'd have more money if you'd stop giving it away" conversations that end up going in circles. Not that we're struggling financially--if anything, it's the opposite, but the concept of not putting every extra cent into savings just seems wrong to some people. Still. I believe that I am working toward being content with less.

depression: that's not very Christian (or is it?)

My friends and I were recently talking about "Moms' Night Out" and I mentioned that I thought it was great that the main mom, Allyson, was able to find happiness as a stay-at-home mom of three young children (which, at the beginning of the film, overwhelmed her). In just two semesters working with clients, I have seen moms who are living their dreams as stay-at-home moms but who just aren't happy.

There are moms who are overwhelmed with rearing children. Moms who fear they're losing control. Moms who end up across from me in the counseling room because they just don't know what to do anymore and they've become depressed.

My friend said that of course it ended with Allyson finding contentment--it wouldn't have been very Christian if she ended up depressed.

Not very Christian?

So I started thinking about depression--and mental health in general--and the way the church overall seems to view it.

Oh, you have depression? You don't have enough faith. You just need to pray more. Stop being so anxious. You're blessed; you have no reason to be sad. Here, read these Bible verses. ...

But have you looked at how the Bible views depression?

Or maybe even just Psalms?

Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint; heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in deep anguish. How long, Lord, how long? Turn, Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. Among the dead no one proclaims your name. Who praises you from the grave? I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes. -Psalms 6:2-7

Now, I'm not saying that I could go down through the DSM-5 criteria for any diagnosis of depression and say, "Yep, that's his principal diagnosis." But let's think about this: David's "bones are in agony" and his "soul is in deep anguish." He says, "I am worn out from my groaning" and his eyes are weak with sorrow--which makes sense when you consider that he's been spending his nights flooding his bed and his couch with tears. (So maybe he's having a hard time sleeping and can't decide whether the bed or couch is more comfortable?) It sounds like he's having a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. ...

... which sounds a lot like some things I hear from people who have depression.

But even if David doesn't meet depression criteria by current mental health standards, I think there are some people who have depression who could identify with David's thoughts.

So if David, mighty David, great king and a man after God's own heart, could experience depression, why is it so taboo among Christians today? David's words are Scripture. And if "all Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness" (2 Timothy 3:16), are you really going to tell me that David didn't have enough faith and just needed to pray more?

Now, I'm not saying that all Christians should/will experience depression at some point in their lives. But I think it's a lot more common than we would like to admit, both today and in the Bible.

Elijah, a prophet, prayed for God to kill him (1 Kings 19:4), even though God had just used him in victory over prophets of Baal. Paul, apostle and writer of a lot of the New Testament, says that "we despaired of life itself" (2 Corinthians 1:8).

However, none of these people stayed in despair. Shortly after asking God to take his life, Elijah traveled to the mountain of God and heard the voice of God. Paul came to a new understanding:

Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us. ... -2 Corinthians 1:9-10

And David, in spite of his anguish, still wrote praises to God and knew that God listened to him. And by Psalm 9, David's enemies are being defeated. I don't think depression itself shows a lack of faith. God doesn't promise to remove all hardships from our lives after salvation--John 16:33 says that we will have trouble in this world. But it also says that Christ has overcome the world; we have hope. Likewise, these men also kept their eyes fixed on God in spite of their hardships. Their faith did not immediately fix everything and remove every problem they came across, but it carried them through the difficult times.

Your faith will not immediately fix everything and remove every problem you come across, but it can carry you through the difficult times.

less.

I refrained from posting this earlier because I realized that I wasn't living according to what I was writing.

At the beginning of 2013, I chose "extend" as my word for the year.

to spread or stretch forth; to make available; to cause to reach; to increase the scope, meaning, or application of

And then, I promptly forgot about it.

Nonetheless, looking back over 2013, I would definitely say that I extended myself and my life in several ways.

There was, and continues to be, the Baking Brigade. (Except, next month marks the one-year anniversary and I feel like it's the same now as it was then, but more on that later.) The end-of-the-year decision to develop more community within our home life group. (Like asking others to facilitate discussions or lead a devotional.) The start of volunteering at a counseling center on post. The season of opening our home, our lives, to two children. The start of a deployment. The deeper growth of my walk with Christ. (It was amazing, but personal, so I don't want to share it here yet/ever.) The process of helping friends move. The +3,415 miles I drove across the country in two weeks.

So, given that I didn't intentionally focus on my chosen word during 2013, I decided to go with less of a word and more of a theme for 2014. I debated about whether to even bother with it this year, especially because I couldn't even think of a word, but God worked this year's theme into my heart pretty quickly.

Recently, a friend posted a video about Pastor Lee Jong-Rak and his baby dropbox. I watched it and sobbed through most of it, deeply saddened by the need for such a ministry and inspired by the love and faith of Pastor Lee and his wife and staff. I felt driven to do something but stuck where I am. I also thought of Meggan Murkli and her ministry in a Romanian orphanage.

And I was like, "God, why am I not doing something amazing for You?"

I thought of the violence in the Central African Republic. Why is our media not reporting more about this? And then my thoughts turned to me. Me. In my house with lots of furnishings and clean water and interior plumbing and more clothes than I need and three dogs that are fed more regularly than many people across the world and climate control and so much else. And that's when I realized what I need to do this year: learn to live with less.

My goal is to learn to be content with less and to become a better steward of the funds and resources God provides.

the d-word: deployment thoughts [25% done]

month 3 // Today was rough; I think it would have been easier if Alan were home. I was feeling sad and grateful to be blessed by a husband who orders pizza delivery from another continent and a friend who blessed me with a little pampering package.

month 4 // I don't want to say that certain people are "made" for the military lifestyle, as I don't believe that we were created to be separated from our spouses, but I do believe that some people adapt more easily and are more self-sufficient, traits that turn deployments into periods for growth and challenge instead of misery.

//

+ savage. Temperature in the 20s. Waist-deep water. Lots of mud. I ran the Savage Race and loved it. I skipped some of the challenges because I was afraid of hypothermia--Texas' Savage Race was the coldest on record!--but I still enjoyed the obstacles and have officially completed my second race.

+ volunteering. I started volunteering at the Family Life Chaplain Training Center on post. I'm there two days a week and I love it.

+ umhb. Three more semesters until graduation! Thanks to God and a supportive husband, I have maintained a 4.0 (which was a challenge, especially since I had a stomach flu during finals week). Also, I think solution-focused brief therapy is "my" approach. I really like it. One of my professors also loaned some emotion-focused therapy material to me and I've been studying it over break.

+ almost there. I ran 9.06 miles. I could have made it to 10 but I quit because my phone (and therefore, Endomondo) died around 7 miles and I wanted to know exactly how far I ran. Also, after surviving the Savage Race, I did two evening runs in 23F and 27F weather, respectively. It was raining the second time.

+ flyboys. After a friend recommended Flyboys to me, I purchased it and have been reading it off and on for several months. I finally finished it. In my opinion, the book was well-researched; I enjoyed learning about the history of Japan and Japanese-American relations as well as an area of history I had not studied before.

+ bucket list. Some friends and I went to Outback for dinner--it was my first visit, so I can cross off another item on my deployment bucket list! Also, I took a friend out to lunch at Rosa's after PWOC--yes, I was there the Tuesday after I posted about it and have been going semi-regularly ever since. I attended a class on mentorship based on At the Feet of Ordinary Women and asked the ladies to pray about whether any of them would be interested in mentoring me. Recently, one of them approached me and she's going to start mentoring me in the new year! And, I'm currently writing from Pennsylvania. Plus, my wonderful husband scheduled a massage for me last month and it was amazing.

+ snapchat. I downloaded Snapchat. My sister and I have been using it to send each other pictures of our dogs. While we're both in the same room.

singleness in married life

Sometimes I wish everyone were single like me—a simpler life in many ways! But celibacy is not for everyone any more than marriage is. God gives the gift of the single life to some, the gift of the married life to others. -1 Corinthians 7:7 (The Message)

Single like you, Paul? What, so you were miserable being single because you were so blunt and didn't know how to make polite conversation with a woman and wanted to take everyone down with you?

This was basically my thought on Paul's "Hey, being single is great" theory--especially as my wedding day neared. And then definitely after we said our vows, because when you're married to a husband as amazing as mine, who would ever want to be single again?

And then, my husband left, leaving me the single human being within the four walls of our home.

While I remained in the Word after Alan deployed, it wasn't until the day I poured out my heart to God because I was so upset about health problems that I really sensed that my relationship with God grew substantially. Over the past several weeks, I have begun to hunger to know Him and His word better and more than ever before. It's wonderful because I have passion and ideas. It's frustrating because I now feel stunted and uncertain of where to go or what to do next. How do I live out the stirrings God starts in my heart? (Also, another issue I struggled with was knowing whether these were God-things or me-things.)

One of the biggest challenges that I wrestled with was feeling like there wasn't enough for me at my current place of worship. (I say "for me" because there are plenty of activities and ministries, but due to my class schedule, I am unable to attend Community Connections and usually don't attend PWOC.) And lately, community has strongly been on my heart.

But, I also realized that I can't just expect the church to do things for me. For example, I had this idea that there should already be a general forum for home life group leaders to exchange ideas, concerns, and inspiration because I know that I, at the very least, could always benefit from mentoring and fellowship.

There wasn't, so I asked about it, and now maybe there will be one (I was under the impression that we had "several" home life groups because that's what the communicator/bulletin says, but it's actually only three).

For another thing, I want to improve the fellowship within my home life group. So, I created a form and know the little things about everyone--from significant dates in their lives to favorite Bible verses to topics they'd like us to study. It was eye-opening and I'm looking forward to putting their ideas to work.

Also, some of the chaplains have expressed a desire to expand the Baking Brigade. This is awesome and would be even more awesome if we had the manpower to do so. So, I took the initiative to talk with another lady who was involved in a baking outreach at her husband's last duty station and now have plenty of ideas.

Lastly, what this entire post (and basically the entirety of the last several weeks) boils down to is mentoring. I want a mentor. I need a mentor. Someone to guide me into really helping home life group flourish. Someone to share a vision for the Baking Brigade and make it happen. Someone to generally help me in my walk with Christ.

Similarly, teach the older women to live in a way that honors God. They must not slander others or be heavy drinkers. Instead, they should teach others what is good. These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children, to live wisely and be pure, to work in their homes, to do good, and to be submissive to their husbands. Then they will not bring shame on the word of God. -Titus 2:3-5

So, if you're older than 23 you fit the bill.

Enter PWOC (Protestant Women of the Chapel). I've only attended a few times, again because of grad school, but after talking with a friend about all that is on my heart and how discouraged I feel, she said, "You really need to come to PWOC! I think it would really help you." And I said, "I know! I just need to do my work for Tuesday earlier so I have time to go." And then she told me that one of the ladies in life group teaches a class on mentoring at PWOC.

So. Tuesday at 9. If I'm not at the chapel, someone slap my wrist and tell me to never complain again if I'm not going to take responsibility for myself.

---

This post was inspired by Alan, who, after hearing me vent/reading my text messages and emails about the topic, told me to blog about it and record the ideas and changes that occur within me. Here we go.

so, i've been busy.

+ baking. We tried something new this month and enlisted the help of some who stayed for the potluck. We prepped the bags while people ate and then asked them to take some to the gate guards on their way home. The lead chaplain was hoping that this would show the chapel what we do and encourage them to become more involved. Next month, I'd love to visit the hospital staff, but that might be a logistical challenge (although I was told that we have two hospital chaplains in the service). Over 350 cookies, mini cupcakes, muffins, and cakes were donated. I made chocolate chip cookie dough whoopie pies. I forgot to take photos but they were delicious.

+ reading. I recently purchased Annie Downs' Speak Love, which seems like it will be a younger version of Sharon Jaynes' The Power of a Woman's Words. I'm excited about it. I'm also reading Faith Deployed ... Again, which a friend loaned to me, and I'm working through Angie Smith's Mended. Mended is powerful, by the way. At least for me. It's really speaking to my heart right now. ...

+ healing. I don't share much by way of health issues current or past on here, but lately I've been having some health issues. However, in the past year I've noticed a shift in the way I react. After sharing my issues while visiting a classmate, she handed Mended to me and I began to read it as soon as I returned home. So far, I've only made it through two chapters because I was crying and praying so much, but one section spoke to my heart more than the others:

I prayed this verse and poured out my heart to God. He spoke to me and even though He didn't give me the answer I wanted Him to, I felt more at peace than ever. In that moment, I felt as though my relationship with Him grew substantially.

+ crafting. Also, look at our newest DIY project! I fell in love with a similar but better wreath on Etsy but couldn't justify the cost. So, I went to Hobby Lobby and picked up some materials. It took me a little over an evening to complete (I was also making the whoopie pies at the same time) and I ended up replacing white burlap with the uniform material. Also, the flags were a lot brighter, so I dyed them with tea.

+ shopping. For the first time in a very long time (actually, maybe ever), two of my friends and I had a girls' day while their husbands watched their children. It was refreshing and relaxing and wonderful. There needs to be more intentional, let's-build-each-other-up time.

speak love, do life.

Lately, speaking love, speaking life, has been on my heart a lot. Partly because of the More Love Letters movement and the ways that I've intertwined that with my life, partly because of the Baking Brigade, partly because I recently had a revelation that I need to do more to share Christ with others regardless of whether I feel that prompting from the Holy Spirit or not.

Because I have a tendency to buy food, to approach someone, only when I feel that heaviness on my chest and know that I will feel like a horrible person for the rest of the day if I don't obey.

Did you notice that? It's not first and foremost because I want to do what God tells me to do because I love Him, it's because I don't want to disappoint Him and feel guilty. So, lately I've been pondering that more. What does that--loving others because He loves me--look like in my life? What should it look like in my life?

I think it looks like helping whenever and wherever I see a need. I think it looks like not being afraid to give to someone who might not really need those bags of groceries when I could have used that money for something else because what they do and how they do it is between them and God, not me (i.e. in Pennsylvania, alcohol can only be purchased in stores that specifically sell alcohol while in Texas, alcohol is sold in grocery stores).

It looks like seeing others the way God sees them. Seeing them as His creations. Seeing them as human beings. Not judging them by whether they really need something. Because honestly, don't we all really need something? Maybe more food on the pantry shelves. Maybe more compassion for the hurting.

Basically, I've been feeling a prompting to do more to live like and for Christ every day. I feel like I'm failing Him, like I could be doing more but I let things hold me back--time, money, season of life.

Take the Baking Brigade, for example. I want to do more, I want to reach more, I want to speak to the hearts of the congregation more so they feel a stirring in their souls to get involved and support others in our military community, regardless of whether or not they share the same faith.

I want this to be about community and building up one another and creating connection and letting others know that they aren't alone in the world, that they are seen and heard and cared about. I want hope.

And I don't know how to go about doing this. And so then I wonder: Is this about what God wants or this about me? Wouldn't God make this happen if He wants it to happen? (By the way, I told God that if ever there's a month when we don't have enough baked goods for the soldiers, I'll know that that is His way of telling me that this has run its course and it's time to move on so the focus is always on Him and not me.)

But, then I also think: God will only do so much. He requires actions on my part, too. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to do it?

So, I suppose this is the part where I turn this over to you. How can I build up community where I am right now (because I also recently had the epiphany that the mission field, my mission field, is here) and reflect Christ more and more each day while using my God-given gifts to advance His kingdom? I need some practical advice. Or book recommendations. Or verses. Or names of people I should be looking to. Or something.

which way to the mission field?

Annie over at What She Saw recently wrote about progress and fear and her latest calling to the mission field. And I have to admit, I was a little bit envious. My home church never sponsored mission trips and the military chapel doesn't organize them, either. But, I want to go. And as I was thinking about this, about the possibility that maybe the chapel doesn't organize mission trips because it's too much of a logistical nightmare with bureaucracy and the culture of moving every few years. Because in military families, we don't go to foreign places for three weeks, we go to foreign places for three years.

I was stirring my peaches and cream instant oatmeal when it dawned on me that that--that place wherever the military sends us--that is our mission field. (Guys, why has it taken so long for me to make this connection?)

Because, aren't missions all about building community and serving others and sharing the love of Christ? I don't have to go to a village in Africa or Mexico or wherever in order to build community and serve others and share Christ's love! I am not confined to building schools or houses or bringing fresh water to remote locations (although I am definitely not knocking any of those because they are all priceless and worthy causes and if you need any proof of that, check out The Williams Post). I've limited myself by narrowing my definition of missions, by thinking that if I want to serve, it has to be in some big, memorable, life-changing way (like going to Africa or Mexico). But, that's not true.

And, if that's the case--if missions is about community and service and love, then am I not already doing that (even if I could be doing that better)? Aren't those things woven into the weekly group hosted here, the monthly outreach to the barracks?

The answer to that is yes. And at first, I felt like I was boasting. And I realized that I am, but it's not about me and what I've done, but what God has done through me. This is about God and how I can open myself--my eyes, my heart, my willingness to step out of my comfort zone--to serve and love those around me.

That, to me, is what following Christ is all about.

I'm still learning, still seeking to know my Father better every day, to seek and desire His will and align my life more closely with what He wants for me. I'm still learning to shed my own selfish wants in order to advance His kingdom here on earth. But this was a huge epiphany for me and I am so excited to see how it will affect the way I interact with others.

that lady with the wic card [and iphone]

I will never again judge people on welfare.

Over the past few months, I have received--unwillingly--a huge dose of humility. And empathy. And some "You don't know my story, but that's ok; you don't need to" attitude.

On three different occasions, I was that lady standing at the cash register with a shopping cart full of WIC items and no idea how to use the card--that lady with the iPhone and designer wallet. Embarrassed that I even had a WIC card. Embarrassed that someone might see. Embarrassed when the cashier saw my groceries and automatically asked, "Is this all WIC?"

"We're not really poor!" I wanted to tell everyone in the checkout line, even though none of them actually cared that I had a WIC card and the chances that I would see any of them again (and remember them) were slim to none. "We're just fostering kids right now and we can use every last bit of help! I also have two stepsons that we support, so it's sort of like we're supporting four kids!"

The first time, I hid my phone in my pocket (because it's not like the iPhone silhouette is obvious, or anything) and tried to keep the card hidden until the absolute last second. Except, then I didn't know how to use it, so the process took about three times longer than it should have.

It was worse when my friend and I stopped by Operation Once in a Lifetime--after all, just a few weeks prior I had called to find out what was needed so I could make a donation. But all of a sudden, I'm filling out paperwork in order to check out the food pantry. I even began to fold up the paperwork, reluctant to hand it over even though I'd filled it out. My conversation with the volunteer went something like this:

"I'd like to keep this and talk to my husband about it, first. We probably won't need assistance within a few days."

"What do you mean?"

"The kids are with us temporarily, and I'm sure that we'll be fine after that."

"Honey, just fill it out. You never know. Not too long ago, I realized that we needed food and we hadn't been paid yet, so I just came in here."

So, I begrudgingly handed in the paperwork ... and walked out with a bag of squash and zucchini, a ham, two tenderloin steaks, and some sausage.

It was enough to take care of the kids until they left.

lessons in pseudo-parenthood

On June 14, I became a stepmom. On March 21, I became a (temporary) foster mom.

I feel like I've been everything but just mom.

Part of me yearns to be "just mom." The little things quicken my clock.

These are my favorite Texas flowers so far. After weeks of admiring them from the Jeep, I was able to look at them up close while taking a walk.

Our friends' sweet 18 month old saying, "Hi!" when I came home from class recently (Alan was watching our youngest foster child and babysitting for our friends) and our youngest foster child climbing onto the couch to snuggle with me--not all moments are difficult.

Shopping for baby clothes with my friend--she's expecting again. Meanwhile, I want to stash them away in a hope chest.

Trying to decide if a jogging stroller and diaper pail would be worth the investment--I need an athletic outlet. I wanted to buy them now with the hopes that we will someday have use for them again, but as far as the stroller goes, I realized I could just wake up earlier and exercise at home. And as for the diaper pail, we're down to UnderJams and about one accident a day.

Potty successes. They seriously make my day.

Heating dinosaur chicken nuggets and cutting up hot dogs the way my aunt used to, even though I'm preparing a vegan meal for myself.

Connecting with our oldest foster child.

Praying on the drive to school each morning, turning on K-Love. Hoping the words minister, praying that something sinks in, wondering if my mom thought the same things when we grew up listening to our local Christian radio station.

Constantly reminding that not all bugs need to be killed, and everything in nature needs to be put back exactly where it was found. Thinking of my aunt.

Cooking with a curious onlooker who ties my apron strings. Remembering my grandmother and her apron, and watching countless meals being prepared in her kitchen.

Remembering to be patient when someone is being independent--I don't ever recall my grandfather being impatient with me.

Hearing my speech revert to the colloquial Pennsylvania Dutchisms my grandparents, aunt, mom, and extended family sometimes use--and realizing that I would totally talk to my own children like that.

          "There's more back."
                    "It's all."
                              "Come here, onst."

I want my own opportunity to train and rear and teach and guide.

A friend's mom blessed us by filling up my gas tank. With my weekly gas budget more than double what it normally is, her act of service was a major blessing.

But, through this experience, I have also learned to be content where God has us.

To never again take for granted the time that Alan and I have together as a couple (or the time that I have to myself).

To be grateful that finishing assignments minutes before I leave for class and turning in work that is far from my best will not be a forever thing.

To continue reading as many parenting books as I can find and to ask for advice from as many parents as I meet.

To be grateful for those times when I can be in the car by myself and go to the store by myself.

By myself.

To understand the vague semblance of attention one sometimes pays while in class (or at work), knowing that there are little ones and a spouse waiting at home.

In the midst of this situation, I'm not quite sure what lessons God has in mind for Alan and me to learn. But, I'm learning to trust in His timing and His plan.

  
EDIT: Oh my goodness, it's not even Monday. What was I thinking?

the enemy's lies

We've recently started Max Anders' "What You Need to Know About Spiritual Warfare." (Our edition has a more recent cover, but the point is that the book is available online.)

We were supposed to start the week before last, but our plans were waylaid by a surprise birthday party that my wonderful husband and friends put together. I keep meaning to post about it, but I still have some photos to upload.

Anyway, prior to home life group, one of my friends (Friend A, who attends home life group) mentioned that she felt an evil presence at one point, and another friend (Friend B, who attends home life group) said that she couldn't finish reading the first chapter of the book because of a sudden headache. At the time, I was babysitting and didn't answer my phone when Friend B called, so Friend B called Friend A to tell her, and Friend A prayed for her. The headache mostly went away, and I later heard the story from both of them separately.

And I thought, "Why is this happening to them?"

Susie Larson, in her amazing book "Your Beautiful Purpose," which I highly recommend (and may cover in life group), says that we can't always see God's forces mounting before us when God is about to do something great through us, but the enemy can, and--knowing that we cannot see the awesome power supporting us--chooses to attack us in an attempt to waylay us.

With this in mind, I thought to myself, "I know that they are both great women of God. They are actively advancing the Kingdom--what if that's why they're being attacked and I'm not? The enemy wouldn't bother with them if they weren't doing anything. Maybe I'm not doing anything. What if everything I'm doing is in vain? What if I'm doing it for myself, and everything is meaningless?"

Later, Friend B said that Friend A told her that she wouldn't be surprised if our home life group is attacked spiritually as we continue this study.

And then, it clicked.

I used to sometimes have really intense nightmares. After a while, I recognized the nightmares and the oppressive feelings for what they were, and I started to tell the enemy that he had no power over me, that he needed to leave my presence because Jesus Christ gave me authority over him.

I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you. -Luke 10:19

The nightmares stopped.

I realized that I wasn't having the same feelings, the same experiences, that my friends were having because the enemy knew that I recognized those attacks. He needed to change tactics.

So I doubted myself; I took the bait--until that moment when I realized that my own misgivings were the enemy. The moment I considered my fears in a different light, the doubting ceased and I smiled, partially out of happiness that I understood my own fears and partially out of surprise that

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. -1 Peter 5:8

military lessons on community [part two]

This is our second post on the topic of community and how the military and Christian communities are similar (or, how they could be). You can check out our first post on community.

deliberately grow friendship. Because you're probably hundreds/thousands of miles away from your family and potentially new to this whole thing (and, even if you aren't, it's nice to have someone else along for the adventure), it's important to have close friends you can count on, whether it's a phone call to make sure you're all right when your spouse is in the field, or picking up your child from school because you don't feel well, or just listening when you're going through a rough time and the enemy is attacking you from all sides.

Building that sort of relationship requires intention and purpose--inviting people to church or dinner or a coffee shop or your house. It means sharing our stories and praying that we can influence our brothers and sisters positively on their journeys. What if you don't think you can/want to set aside time for that?

If you're a blogger, this might mean praying before you post, as Keri Williams wrote recently. Or praying before you comment--what words would really encourage and inspire the blogger whose heart you just read?

Maybe it means sending a text, card, or email, just to let someone know you're thinking of her.

On a secular level, close friends are like second family. On a Godly level, believers are family. Regardless of how close you are.

we have an appreciation of (the lack of) time. Because we know that when you look around the church (or the home life group, or what have you), it's not going to look the same a year (or even a month) from now, I think we understand that you have to cut to the important stuff. Quickly. Ditch the small talk and forget the petty stuff. But as believers, we sometimes act like we'll all be around forever--we can take as much time as we want getting to know people. And God.

I have two super-close friends whom I consider family. I might not be able to tell you their favorite colors or biggest pet peeves, but I can tell you that we would drop (and have) whatever we were doing in order to help each other, whether that means taking care of a dog for a week, picking up a child from school, watching a child overnight, checking in on a house for a week, or accompanying one of us to a doctor appointment. I also think having a common bond factors into this--we understand that our spouses' military commitments sometimes mean that our schedules change at the last minute, and as believers, we trust each other.

How many friends have you known for longer than seven to nine months? Would you be willing to stop what you're doing to help them?

military lessons on community [part one]

"Community" seems to be a popular topic of late, with L's post on community at All Glorious Within and Annie's post on friendship at What She Saw. Plus, I've really had community on my heart recently--I've been drafting a blog post specifically about the type of friendships I've formed down here, but apparently I'm going to write about that sooner than I planned to.

I think the Christian community could learn a thing or two from the military community (and vice versa), and I'm breaking my thoughts down into two posts.

Paul, a servant of Christ Jesus, called to be an apostle and set apart for the gospel of God. -Romans 1:1

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. -1 Peter 2:9

Like Paul (and believers), the military community is set apart. It's different. There are certain things that happen in the military that simply don't happen (or are difficult to understand) in the civilian sector, and vice versa.

If you've ever seen the Lifetime show "Army Wives," you know that the tagline is "The Army has its code. The wives have their own." Likewise, as believers, we have our own "code."

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness. -2 Timothy 3:16

The community can be tightly knit--even with frequent moves, you can only receive orders to so many places, so there's a chance that you'll see old friends on the other side of the world a decade from now. Plus, a tightly-knit clan is important when your spouse is deployed or in the field or just can't make it to your doctor appointment. However, I've met women who have lived here longer than I have but lack the strong friendships that I have been blessed with here.

And the sad thing is, it seems to me that the women who haven't found good friends tend to be Christians. They say that everyone has already formed their groups. There isn't room for one more. And it can be unnerving, especially when we fall prey to jealousy, to pettiness, to the enemy, and we close off our hearts to deeper, meaningful relationships. We give off the message that there really isn't room for one more; we're content with our current circle, and you're on your own.

But, that's not the message that Jesus brought.

And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. -Hebrews 10:24-25

So, what sparks close friendships and builds community so quickly?

share a common bond. If your husband (or wife!) is a soldier, you're used to CQ or staff duty, upcoming deployments, weeks in the field, schedules that aren't really set in stone until they've happened and a week has passed, and a host of other military-specific things. And, if you're not used to it yet? You will be, soon.

Likewise, as believers, we share a common bond. But it seems (to me) that we are way too flippant about that connection--when it comes to friend criteria, being a child of the same God is about as important as sharing the same hair color.

Have we not all one Father? Has not one God created us? Why then are we faithless to one another, profaning the covenant of our fathers? -Malachi 2:10

Meanwhile, with the friendships I've formed in military community, being from the same coast is a fairly legitimate reason to explore friendship. Oh, you're from Virginia? I'm from Pennsylvania. Close enough. Let's be friends.

take advantage of others' experience. Based on my experience, the spouses of soldiers are willing to share their experiences and lend their support and knowledge to help others, and it's a relief to know that you can look to someone else for help.

But as believers, we're cautious--even stingy--with sharing our stories. Especially the ones that might cast us in a less-than-perfect light. We worry too much about what others might think, instead of being concerned with how our stories might be able to touch someone else, or thinking about what our Heavenly Father would think. We are too quick to pass judgment.

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will. -Romans 12:12

And as believers, we're easily hit with jealousy when something good happens to someone else, and we're quick to tear down, instead of build up. Instead of praying for blessing and protection upon our fellow sisters and brothers, we ask "Why not me?" We ignore that common bond of belief in salvation through Jesus Christ.

Plus, when we act in a petty fashion, how can we honestly expect others to see Christ in us? How can we expect others to want to follow Christ?

By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. -John 13:35

Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. -Colossians 4:5

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. -1 John 4:7-8

Are you making the most of every opportunity?

extend + micah 6:8

As I consider how blessed I was in 2012, I think ahead to the year before me.  A whole year to strengthen my relationship with Christ and with others, to explore the world around me, to better learn my husband.

How am I reflecting Christ to others?  Where am I lacking?

If I want to be more like Christ, that means that I should ...

... delve more into the Word.

And not only delve into it, but understand it and apply it to my life.

This means that I should devote more time to reading and praying.

More time?  I could use some of that.  More time for me, more time for my husband, more time for classes, more time for friends. ...

So, I need to prioritize.  What is helping me become more like Christ?  What is helping me be a better wife, a better stepmom, a better student, daughter, sister, friend, babysitter?  What isn't?

If it falls under "isn't," then I need to be mindful get rid of it.

Last year, my word was bold.  For me, bold was including my stepsons in my wedding vows--promises to fulfill, not just for one, but for three.  Bold was leaving my family, my friends, and moving halfway across the country with my husband.  Bold was teaching Sunday Morning Life Group.  Bold was co-leading Home Life Group.  Bold was starting graduate school.

However, bold was not ... in the moments when my faith wavered and I wondered how God would provide.  Bold was not in the moments when I shied away from reaching out, when I did not live my 2012 verse, 2 Timothy 1:7 (and those moments seemed to happen all too frequently).  Bold was not when I kept my mouth shut for fear of making waves.

This year, I will do better at being bold.  I will not have a spirit of fear.  This year, I will extend.

extend -- to spread or stretch forth; to make available; to cause to reach; to increase the scope, meaning, or application of.

My verse?  Micah 6:8.  Because when I drift, when I'm not as "in the Word" as I should be, I can tell.  And, believe me, so can everyone else around me.  What mercy?  What kindness?  They are far from me.

No, the Lord has told us what is good. What he requires of us is this: to do what is just, to show constant love, and to live in humble fellowship with our God. (Good News Translation)