+ moms'* afternoon out. My closest friends and I--we've decided that we could write our own Army Wives book based totally on fact and it would still be a hot seller--went to see "Moms' Night Out" at the on-post theater. Our tickets were $1 each and the national anthem played before the screening, complete with patriotic images and footage. I'm not sure which version we watched, but I know some of us wanted to see the "Shock and Awe" version.

"Moms' Night Out" was both funny and sometimes too realistic to actually be relaxing for me, but I appreciated the fact that it's a faith-based film.

+ independence day. We celebrated Independence Day with a last-minute cookout and ended the day watching fireworks from a friend's balcony. The conversation and time together was a better end to the day than the actual displays.

+ yet = still and other PA Dutchisms. My friend told me that my oldest goddaughter recently said, "It is really hot yet." I'm super proud. Also, she brought to my attention that I have a habit of asking my dogs, "Must you go out/potty?" I didn't realize it but it's pretty much the only sentence I use when I ask my dogs if they have to go outside and I'm pretty sure it's a Dutchism.

+ meal-sharing. A month or two (or more, who knows) ago, two friends and I decided to get together to cook for the week, because two of us typically end up cooking one big pot of soup and eating it for the week. And that gets boring. But it's also a pain to come up with meal plans when I'm only cooking for myself and I'm trying to save money. Hence, getting together to cook and then swap food. The first time we got together, we ended up making three pots of soup. This time, we made two soups, macaroni and cheese, and sloppy joes, three of which came from the Daniel Plan cookbook (one of our friends is starting the Daniel Plan).

+ blogging + life. Part of me was surprised to see that I haven't blogged since January and the other part of me doesn't even remember what I've been up to, aside from volunteering, classes, practicum, internships, home life group, church, and attempting to keep up some semblance of a social life. For a while, I was also getting up at 5 a.m. to go running during PT hours, but that's when the temps were in the 30s. Now that the day gets hotter faster, I don't have time to shower in between running and getting to my internship site (but I'm working on that). R&R also came and went somewhere along the line, though I intentionally didn't write about that for OPSEC reasons (but I plan to). And I went back to PA for a few days to visit family and we went to Walt Disney World.

*because we're all at various stages of momhood.

the d-word: deployment thoughts [25% done]

month 3 // Today was rough; I think it would have been easier if Alan were home. I was feeling sad and grateful to be blessed by a husband who orders pizza delivery from another continent and a friend who blessed me with a little pampering package.

month 4 // I don't want to say that certain people are "made" for the military lifestyle, as I don't believe that we were created to be separated from our spouses, but I do believe that some people adapt more easily and are more self-sufficient, traits that turn deployments into periods for growth and challenge instead of misery.

//

+ savage. Temperature in the 20s. Waist-deep water. Lots of mud. I ran the Savage Race and loved it. I skipped some of the challenges because I was afraid of hypothermia--Texas' Savage Race was the coldest on record!--but I still enjoyed the obstacles and have officially completed my second race.

+ volunteering. I started volunteering at the Family Life Chaplain Training Center on post. I'm there two days a week and I love it.

+ umhb. Three more semesters until graduation! Thanks to God and a supportive husband, I have maintained a 4.0 (which was a challenge, especially since I had a stomach flu during finals week). Also, I think solution-focused brief therapy is "my" approach. I really like it. One of my professors also loaned some emotion-focused therapy material to me and I've been studying it over break.

+ almost there. I ran 9.06 miles. I could have made it to 10 but I quit because my phone (and therefore, Endomondo) died around 7 miles and I wanted to know exactly how far I ran. Also, after surviving the Savage Race, I did two evening runs in 23F and 27F weather, respectively. It was raining the second time.

+ flyboys. After a friend recommended Flyboys to me, I purchased it and have been reading it off and on for several months. I finally finished it. In my opinion, the book was well-researched; I enjoyed learning about the history of Japan and Japanese-American relations as well as an area of history I had not studied before.

+ bucket list. Some friends and I went to Outback for dinner--it was my first visit, so I can cross off another item on my deployment bucket list! Also, I took a friend out to lunch at Rosa's after PWOC--yes, I was there the Tuesday after I posted about it and have been going semi-regularly ever since. I attended a class on mentorship based on At the Feet of Ordinary Women and asked the ladies to pray about whether any of them would be interested in mentoring me. Recently, one of them approached me and she's going to start mentoring me in the new year! And, I'm currently writing from Pennsylvania. Plus, my wonderful husband scheduled a massage for me last month and it was amazing.

+ snapchat. I downloaded Snapchat. My sister and I have been using it to send each other pictures of our dogs. While we're both in the same room.

so, i've been busy.

+ baking. We tried something new this month and enlisted the help of some who stayed for the potluck. We prepped the bags while people ate and then asked them to take some to the gate guards on their way home. The lead chaplain was hoping that this would show the chapel what we do and encourage them to become more involved. Next month, I'd love to visit the hospital staff, but that might be a logistical challenge (although I was told that we have two hospital chaplains in the service). Over 350 cookies, mini cupcakes, muffins, and cakes were donated. I made chocolate chip cookie dough whoopie pies. I forgot to take photos but they were delicious.

+ reading. I recently purchased Annie Downs' Speak Love, which seems like it will be a younger version of Sharon Jaynes' The Power of a Woman's Words. I'm excited about it. I'm also reading Faith Deployed ... Again, which a friend loaned to me, and I'm working through Angie Smith's Mended. Mended is powerful, by the way. At least for me. It's really speaking to my heart right now. ...

+ healing. I don't share much by way of health issues current or past on here, but lately I've been having some health issues. However, in the past year I've noticed a shift in the way I react. After sharing my issues while visiting a classmate, she handed Mended to me and I began to read it as soon as I returned home. So far, I've only made it through two chapters because I was crying and praying so much, but one section spoke to my heart more than the others:

I prayed this verse and poured out my heart to God. He spoke to me and even though He didn't give me the answer I wanted Him to, I felt more at peace than ever. In that moment, I felt as though my relationship with Him grew substantially.

+ crafting. Also, look at our newest DIY project! I fell in love with a similar but better wreath on Etsy but couldn't justify the cost. So, I went to Hobby Lobby and picked up some materials. It took me a little over an evening to complete (I was also making the whoopie pies at the same time) and I ended up replacing white burlap with the uniform material. Also, the flags were a lot brighter, so I dyed them with tea.

+ shopping. For the first time in a very long time (actually, maybe ever), two of my friends and I had a girls' day while their husbands watched their children. It was refreshing and relaxing and wonderful. There needs to be more intentional, let's-build-each-other-up time.

speak love, do life.

Lately, speaking love, speaking life, has been on my heart a lot. Partly because of the More Love Letters movement and the ways that I've intertwined that with my life, partly because of the Baking Brigade, partly because I recently had a revelation that I need to do more to share Christ with others regardless of whether I feel that prompting from the Holy Spirit or not.

Because I have a tendency to buy food, to approach someone, only when I feel that heaviness on my chest and know that I will feel like a horrible person for the rest of the day if I don't obey.

Did you notice that? It's not first and foremost because I want to do what God tells me to do because I love Him, it's because I don't want to disappoint Him and feel guilty. So, lately I've been pondering that more. What does that--loving others because He loves me--look like in my life? What should it look like in my life?

I think it looks like helping whenever and wherever I see a need. I think it looks like not being afraid to give to someone who might not really need those bags of groceries when I could have used that money for something else because what they do and how they do it is between them and God, not me (i.e. in Pennsylvania, alcohol can only be purchased in stores that specifically sell alcohol while in Texas, alcohol is sold in grocery stores).

It looks like seeing others the way God sees them. Seeing them as His creations. Seeing them as human beings. Not judging them by whether they really need something. Because honestly, don't we all really need something? Maybe more food on the pantry shelves. Maybe more compassion for the hurting.

Basically, I've been feeling a prompting to do more to live like and for Christ every day. I feel like I'm failing Him, like I could be doing more but I let things hold me back--time, money, season of life.

Take the Baking Brigade, for example. I want to do more, I want to reach more, I want to speak to the hearts of the congregation more so they feel a stirring in their souls to get involved and support others in our military community, regardless of whether or not they share the same faith.

I want this to be about community and building up one another and creating connection and letting others know that they aren't alone in the world, that they are seen and heard and cared about. I want hope.

And I don't know how to go about doing this. And so then I wonder: Is this about what God wants or this about me? Wouldn't God make this happen if He wants it to happen? (By the way, I told God that if ever there's a month when we don't have enough baked goods for the soldiers, I'll know that that is His way of telling me that this has run its course and it's time to move on so the focus is always on Him and not me.)

But, then I also think: God will only do so much. He requires actions on my part, too. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to do it?

So, I suppose this is the part where I turn this over to you. How can I build up community where I am right now (because I also recently had the epiphany that the mission field, my mission field, is here) and reflect Christ more and more each day while using my God-given gifts to advance His kingdom? I need some practical advice. Or book recommendations. Or verses. Or names of people I should be looking to. Or something.

this is life [or, a birthday party with lots of kids]

Our friends' daughter recently celebrated her second birthday. At the party, there were nine adults and seven children. Only one of the kids was older than two. As I sat in the living room amid infant car seat carriers and a swing and a Bumbo and wiped spit up off of a dress and filled another sippy cup, I realized that this was not only the first party I'd ever attended with so many children since I was a child, but this will also probably be what every birthday party I attend from here on out will look like. It was a really weird realization, if only because it means that I'm getting older.

which way to the mission field?

Annie over at What She Saw recently wrote about progress and fear and her latest calling to the mission field. And I have to admit, I was a little bit envious. My home church never sponsored mission trips and the military chapel doesn't organize them, either. But, I want to go. And as I was thinking about this, about the possibility that maybe the chapel doesn't organize mission trips because it's too much of a logistical nightmare with bureaucracy and the culture of moving every few years. Because in military families, we don't go to foreign places for three weeks, we go to foreign places for three years.

I was stirring my peaches and cream instant oatmeal when it dawned on me that that--that place wherever the military sends us--that is our mission field. (Guys, why has it taken so long for me to make this connection?)

Because, aren't missions all about building community and serving others and sharing the love of Christ? I don't have to go to a village in Africa or Mexico or wherever in order to build community and serve others and share Christ's love! I am not confined to building schools or houses or bringing fresh water to remote locations (although I am definitely not knocking any of those because they are all priceless and worthy causes and if you need any proof of that, check out The Williams Post). I've limited myself by narrowing my definition of missions, by thinking that if I want to serve, it has to be in some big, memorable, life-changing way (like going to Africa or Mexico). But, that's not true.

And, if that's the case--if missions is about community and service and love, then am I not already doing that (even if I could be doing that better)? Aren't those things woven into the weekly group hosted here, the monthly outreach to the barracks?

The answer to that is yes. And at first, I felt like I was boasting. And I realized that I am, but it's not about me and what I've done, but what God has done through me. This is about God and how I can open myself--my eyes, my heart, my willingness to step out of my comfort zone--to serve and love those around me.

That, to me, is what following Christ is all about.

I'm still learning, still seeking to know my Father better every day, to seek and desire His will and align my life more closely with what He wants for me. I'm still learning to shed my own selfish wants in order to advance His kingdom here on earth. But this was a huge epiphany for me and I am so excited to see how it will affect the way I interact with others.

fredericksburg tx

We celebrated the extended Labor Day weekend with a trip to Fredericksburg. Fredericksburg seems like it's in the middle of nowhere (especially when it's the closest town with an emergency vet and you're passing upward of 30 deer along the road in the middle of the night), but it's an adorable town (or maybe a city?). The main street (and some of the side streets) are mostly filled with boutiques and restaurants. Fredericksburg thrives on tourism, so there are lots of bed and breakfasts, too (we stayed at Terah's Garden). The city is also dog-friendly and it's apparently the only city in the state where it's perfectly legal to walk around with an open alcoholic beverage.

Fredericksburg is located along the wine trail in Hill Country, so we stopped by William Chris Vineyards on the way. Not only was it my first wine tasting, but it was our first as a couple.

Afterward, we grabbed lunch at Mahaley's Cafe. They serve a pretty good veggie croissant and have a nice selection of pastries. We relaxed at the b&b for a while before heading out to visit a second winery. We checked out Messina Hof, which has a nice selection.

We ate dinner at the b&b to save money and spent the evening chatting and watching the news.

We spent the following day shopping. There are a lot of home decor shops. There is also a lot of money needed to buy things in those shops. For the most part, we browsed, but we did pick up some treats at Dogologie (of all of the stores in Fredericksburg, Dogologie was the store I wanted to visit the most). We also checked out Der Kuchen Laden (it was really weird to see so much German in the middle of Texas ... it was like being back in Pennsylvania ... except people wore cowboy boots and Stetsons). Der Kuchen Laden is located in an old hospital along with Rathskeller, which is where we ate lunch.

I thought the photos and ads were misleading--I expected something semi-upscale, but it looked more like a family restaurant. The staff was friendly, however; when a toddler in our party decided to check out the fish in the nearby koi pond up close and personal, they gave us some towels to dry her off and didn't complain about the wet chair.

In all, our trip was exhausting but fun. I definitely think an extra day would have helped--we didn't even have a chance to check out the National Museum of the Pacific War, but I've decided to save that for if/when my parents visit.

happy blogiversary to us!

I meant to post this on the actual anniversary of starting this blog (July 21), but something happened (probably life) and I didn't, which is why I'm posting two months late. But, if we were to pretend that it is July 21, it would be a year and one month since we left my parents' driveway. So much has happened since then!

+ I started graduate school. And have since finished my first year, meaning that I am now halfway through my studies!

+ We started hosting and leading a home life group. Since we first started in September (so this month marks a year!), we've covered Resilient Warriors, Community Bible Experience, The Case for Christ, Not a Fan, and Jonah. We're currently studying Galatians.

+ Alan taught children's church and I taught the ladies' Sunday morning life group. Alan was teaching the first Sunday of the month but stopped when the schedule changed. I stepped back from facilitating this autumn because I was ridiculously burned out--after a year, I didn't feel like teaching was where God wanted me to be anymore.

+ We spent Thanksgiving with friends. It was my first Thanksgiving without my parents and sister, but it was also our first Thanksgiving as our own family.

+ Alan went to the field and we spent our first week apart. He has gone to the field twice since we've been married. It seemed like a long time at the time, but I know it was nothing compared to what we're going to face.

+ We drove to PA to visit family for Christmas.

+ The Baking Brigade was born. Since its inception, we've served hundreds of cookies, brownies, muffins, and cupcakes to soldiers.

+ I got vertigo. Not once but twice.

+ We temporarily fostered two children for a friend and I received a huge dose of humility.

+ We went to Galveston. It was my first trip to the beach in a while; it's comforting to know that a beach is just a few hours' drive away.

+ We celebrated our honeymooniversary with a Disney cruise!

+ I witnessed a birth! And now have unrealistic expectations about childbirth, although my friend says it looked easy because of the epidural.

+ We took a semi-spur-of-the-moment trip to Walt Disney World! I just realized that I never even blogged about that. I don't even know how that happened. Therefore, there will be an upcoming post about Walt Disney World.

+ Alan hit his 20-year mark of service in the Army!

+ I also realized what it means for me to be content and how to cultivate peace in my life. I try to live my life so as to take time for the little things that make me happy. That usually means reading, praying, or quilting outside with a cup of coffee in the mornings.

independence day

We spent the fourth with our friends--and for the most part, whenever I say "our friends," you can pretty much assume that I'm referring to the same people. ...

... The couple we met shortly after we arrived down here, the then-family of three that became a family of four last month: the man who volunteered to fix my toilet while wearing his dress uniform because Alan was working at the time; the lady who knows my favorite Starbucks drinks; the toddler who's made me "auntie" and has recently figured out how to crawl out of her pack-n-play (which permanently sets in one of our spare bedrooms!) and open the bedroom door; the infant whose birth I witnessed.

So, anyway. We went to a parade in Belton, which was pretty disappointing because there was no candy, and we were hoping that the little one would be able to get some candy. However, there were a lot of old cars, so at least the guys thought that was cool.

Afterward, we went to the Nolan Creek Winery. We bought two flights (they ordered Italian and we ordered Sweetheart), and I discovered that I really like a certain type of moscato, although I don't remember the name (I liked the moscato in the Sweetheart flight, but I thought the Italian moscato was too dry).

 
We then decided that hummus and a cheese and meat plate didn't qualify as real food, and so we ended up driving around Belton for an hour looking for a restaurant open on a holiday. We ended up at the Gin at Nolan Creek.

Which is right across from the winery.

We were delightfully surprised by the quality of food at the Gin--Akaushi burgers (apparently, Akaushi is a very expensive cattle that is only bred--outside of Japan--in Texas and guarded by Texas Rangers) were on the menu, and I had an amazing cut of salmon.

Afterward, we checked out a little boutique in Belton and then headed to a carnival (which was a waste--every ride cost $3-$4 and the little one was only tall enough to ride one). We made it to a local fair as it was ending, which was disappointing, but at least we know where to go next year!

By the time we left the carnival, it was almost time for dinner. We went home to rest and then went to the fireworks display on Ft. Hood. Since none of us had eaten since lunch (and it was 10:00 when the fireworks ended), we went to Applebee's to end our day.

I can't say that we spent Independence Day reflecting on our nation and the people and events that have brought us to where we are today, but we spent it together as friends, as family, as husband and wife, and that is enough for me.

one year reflections

You know you're connected to the military community when anything longer than two years seems like a long time to live in the same place.

For several weeks after arriving here, I felt like a guest, like this was Alan's home and I was here temporarily. It took a while for me to acclimate myself to this building, to these four walls, and the fact that this is my home. And sometimes when I'm standing at the threshold and I've just opened the front door, I still catch a whiff of the fresh this-is-my-first-time-walking-in-this-door scent (which reminds me of the this-is-freshman-year scent that the dorm used to have at the beginning and end of every school year). But regardless of the scent that greets me (fortunately, it has yet to be anything unpleasant), I no longer feel like this is just a visit--I feel like I'm home.

When I am in an airport USO around familiar haircuts and young women with baby strollers and no husbands in sight, I know and I am home.

When I am driving around post or reading in my backyard and hear mess call echoing across the way like some martial adhan, I am home.

When someone asks me how long I've been at Ft. Hood and I can no longer say, "Since the end of June," I am home.

When I water the yard and hear the announcement jingle echo from the Jeep dealership, I think of sweltering summer days and trickling rivulets that are impossibly hot and hunting for fossils like Dad and I used to do, and I am home.

When I water the yard, I am home. Because seriously, who waters grass and why are there gaping cracks in my backyard and why can't we have a basement?

When I select my ID card by feel amidst the pile of plastic in my wallet as I'm exiting the highway, I am home.

When I vacuum the carpet for the third time that day because the dogs track dirt inside but I'm happy because this is my house and I want it to be clean, I am home.

When I wait at the window for Alan's truck to pull in the driveway because he texted, "On my way home" a few minutes ago and then race three dogs to the front door because everyone wants his attention, I am home.

may in review

It's almost June ... and I'm just now publishing the recap for May!

+ moving on. The kids left for another placement (with relatives) at the beginning of June. The two and a half-ish months that they were with us were some of the most educational, stressful, testing, enjoyable weeks. I'm beyond grateful that Alan and I were able to share the experience together; we learned a lot, too.

+ 4.0. Thanks to God for blessing me and our awesome friends for babysitting when Alan worked and I had class, I finished the semester with a 4.0!

+ 1 cav demo. There is free entertainment and education on Ft. Hood. Every Thursday at 10:00 a.m., the 1st Cavalry performs a demonstration for the public. If you ask, they'll even give you a tour of the stables, farrier, and leather shops, and teach you about the weapons and riding/ground crews. It was ridiculously educational and exciting.

+ best compliment ever. "You guys are really different. Not in a bad way. You don't argue or anything. I don't think I've ever known anyone like that." --the oldest of the two children we fostered

+ c.t. studd. I discovered a favorite quote.

Some want to live within the sound of church or chapel bell; I want to run a rescue shop within a yard of hell.

+ vertigo. We watched Veggie Tales until I was tired of it (I mean, I seriously dreaded seeing the main menu for "The League of Incredible Vegetables"). I had vertigo for about two weeks, and the first few days were horrible. I laid on the floor while watching the youngest; fortunately, Alan was able to come home early one day, and he was able to drop off and pick up the oldest from school the entire time.

+ the little things. A friend gave me a bag of Ghirardelli chocolates because "sometimes moms need to hide in the closet, and you are an acting mom."

+ little owl. I hosted a Pinterest-inspired, owl-themed baby shower for a friend. It was a little nerve-wracking because I've never hosted one before and I wanted it to be super special for her! My wonderful husband arranged the fruit, sliced the cheeses, and helped me decorate the house. Another of our friends came early to help prep food. It was a lot of fun and it was wonderful to see other ladies support a mom-to-be!

driving, or something like it.

"You've survived the war, now survive the highways."

There's a sign on the right-hand side of the road as you leave the main gate.  It has three lights--red, yellow, and green--and a counter that displays the number of days since the last traffic fatality.  Depending on the number of days that have passed, a different colored light lights up.

It was red the last time I passed it.  The last time being this afternoon, when Alan and I were leaving chapel.

In the ten months that I've been here, we have yet to make it to triple digits, but we've made it past 50, and that seems to be pretty good.

Too frequently, the light remains red and the number in the single digits.

This sign (and others like it) has fascinated and saddened me ever since I first saw it.

I think of the spouses, the parents, the children, loved ones left behind, and the thought sticks with me until it's time to merge onto I-35, because I need to concentrate if I don't want to be the one who sends the counter back to 0.  Drivers don't always yield and sometimes people seem to remember at the last minute that they don't actually want to take the access road to go home (because it's not like they drive this route every day or anything). ...

And so, they cut in front, and I'm keeping my eyes simultaneously glued to the vehicle in front of me and to the car to my right--is he going to cut me off?--and the traffic to my left.  I don't want my husband thinking of me every time he passes the sign ...

... 6 days since Elizabeth died.

Fort Hood brings people from across the country, across the world, and their driving styles show it.  I'm not sure what a native Texan driver is like, but many drivers in Killeen drive like their parents just filled out the logs without actually holding their teenagers accountable aggressively.

At least, they seem so for someone whose typical definition of a traffic jam is three cars behind a tractor (or a horse and buggy).

But, hey, I don't have to have every destination referenced to me in terms of its relation to Lowe's anymore.  When I first arrived, we went to Lowe's a lot, so it became my landmark--if I'm going to the Soldiers' Hospitality House, I should pass Lowe's.  There's an amazing, hole-in-the-wall Thai restaurant (Amazing Thailand) in the plaza in front of Lowe's.  Firehouse Subs is farther down, near where Lowe's Blvd. intersects with Trimmier.

My life pretty much revolved around Lowe's.

But now I am learning, and my memory serves me better when I'm not stressing out about whether I'm going to cause an accident and am I in the right lane to turn around and do I need this exit or the next one?

And so we continue to survive the highways.

the least of these

On a recent drive to school in the morning, our oldest foster child asked me if I needed Scripture references in order to believe things or share things. We sometimes have political or theological discussions on the way to school, and I either preface or end my response with, "Well, the Bible says. ..."

I said that I did, and explained that if it's not backed by Scripture, it's just someone's opinion, and opinions can lead others astray.

That lesson became even truer to me on Saturday, when we attended a Focus on the Family Wait No More event in Houston.

On the way, we passed this really amazing house. We told some of our friends that we needed to buy it and move in together.

But, I digress.

But when the fullness of the time had come, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, that we might receive the adoption as sons.  -Galatians 4:4-6

We have all been adopted, as children of God. God gave (and continues to give) us grace when we deserved none. No matter what our biological parents were like, we have a Heavenly Father who loves us unconditionally, whose love is not dysfunctional.

When I was younger (when the movie rental place only had VHS tapes and it was in a tiny plaza that isn't even there anymore), I recall sitting in my parents' Jeep while we waited for my dad. I asked my mom if she would always love me, and she said that she would, no matter what. Thinking of the worst possible thing I could imagine, I asked if she would love me even if I killed someone. She said that she would. And I thought that was the weirdest thing ever, because I didn't think I would love me (or anyone else, for that matter) if I'd killed someone.

No matter what my biological parents were like, my mom and dad love me unconditionally.

Father to the fatherless, defender of widows—this is God, whose dwelling is holy. God places the lonely in families. -Psalms 68:5-6

Alan and I have been discussing adoption for a very long time. He feels led to adopt. I want to adopt because I feel that I am uniquely suited to help children navigate the questions and issues about their biological families and identities that may arise. And now I want to adopt because there's Scriptural support to this idea, and the event gave me an entirely different perspective on adoption.

I had never had adoption put to me in a Biblical sense (that I recall).

Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you. -James 1:27

"Caring for orphans." I never thought that might mean, "take one into your home and make him family." I thought that meant something like, "donate to charities."

After all, donating on occasion is way less intrusive--financially ... emotionally ... physically ... personally--than the total upheaval that comes with bringing children into your home. Into your life.

Especially older children.

          Traumatized children.

                    Legally orphaned children.

But, isn't living for God all about living lives that are totally unlike the rest of the world? And if one life can be touched, if one little soul can be granted the peace that comes with stability, the comfort that comes from support, and the chance to know Jesus Christ as his or her Lord and Savior, then isn't it all worth it?

lessons in pseudo-parenthood

On June 14, I became a stepmom. On March 21, I became a (temporary) foster mom.

I feel like I've been everything but just mom.

Part of me yearns to be "just mom." The little things quicken my clock.

These are my favorite Texas flowers so far. After weeks of admiring them from the Jeep, I was able to look at them up close while taking a walk.

Our friends' sweet 18 month old saying, "Hi!" when I came home from class recently (Alan was watching our youngest foster child and babysitting for our friends) and our youngest foster child climbing onto the couch to snuggle with me--not all moments are difficult.

Shopping for baby clothes with my friend--she's expecting again. Meanwhile, I want to stash them away in a hope chest.

Trying to decide if a jogging stroller and diaper pail would be worth the investment--I need an athletic outlet. I wanted to buy them now with the hopes that we will someday have use for them again, but as far as the stroller goes, I realized I could just wake up earlier and exercise at home. And as for the diaper pail, we're down to UnderJams and about one accident a day.

Potty successes. They seriously make my day.

Heating dinosaur chicken nuggets and cutting up hot dogs the way my aunt used to, even though I'm preparing a vegan meal for myself.

Connecting with our oldest foster child.

Praying on the drive to school each morning, turning on K-Love. Hoping the words minister, praying that something sinks in, wondering if my mom thought the same things when we grew up listening to our local Christian radio station.

Constantly reminding that not all bugs need to be killed, and everything in nature needs to be put back exactly where it was found. Thinking of my aunt.

Cooking with a curious onlooker who ties my apron strings. Remembering my grandmother and her apron, and watching countless meals being prepared in her kitchen.

Remembering to be patient when someone is being independent--I don't ever recall my grandfather being impatient with me.

Hearing my speech revert to the colloquial Pennsylvania Dutchisms my grandparents, aunt, mom, and extended family sometimes use--and realizing that I would totally talk to my own children like that.

          "There's more back."
                    "It's all."
                              "Come here, onst."

I want my own opportunity to train and rear and teach and guide.

A friend's mom blessed us by filling up my gas tank. With my weekly gas budget more than double what it normally is, her act of service was a major blessing.

But, through this experience, I have also learned to be content where God has us.

To never again take for granted the time that Alan and I have together as a couple (or the time that I have to myself).

To be grateful that finishing assignments minutes before I leave for class and turning in work that is far from my best will not be a forever thing.

To continue reading as many parenting books as I can find and to ask for advice from as many parents as I meet.

To be grateful for those times when I can be in the car by myself and go to the store by myself.

By myself.

To understand the vague semblance of attention one sometimes pays while in class (or at work), knowing that there are little ones and a spouse waiting at home.

In the midst of this situation, I'm not quite sure what lessons God has in mind for Alan and me to learn. But, I'm learning to trust in His timing and His plan.

  
EDIT: Oh my goodness, it's not even Monday. What was I thinking?

are you sure you don't have to go to the bathroom?

 + your house looks like you have kids. i feel better now. This quote sums up our life pretty well, right now. Without going into much detail, Alan and I became temporary foster parents for the children of a friend (hence the lack of updates). You can imagine what our house looks like.

I recently read and loved this book. Our younger foster child and I spent the morning outside, eating breakfast and playing.

+ how do you wake up so early? Hearing this question from our oldest foster child reminded me of my pre-college school years. I could never understand how my mom, aunt, or grandmother could be so chipper/relentless/creative/annoying while trying to rouse me at 6:30 a.m. Yet, here I am, waking at 5:30 a.m. and having to stop myself from loudly greeting everyone with, "Time to make the doughnuts!" Which my aunt used to say.

A week after we became foster parents, Alan sent me to a local spa for a massage--at the end, the therapist said that I still needed more work. Also, I love Aveda Comforting Tea.

+ mind if i pray? Something else from childhood that I've incorporated into our foster children's lives is morning prayer. My mom used to pray for my sister and me before we walked to the bus stop, or, if she drove us to school, she prayed in the car on the way to school. (Honestly, at the time I didn't really care, as I saw it as just another prayer/something else to make me late--in my mind, because we were almost never late for the bus--but now I appreciate it so much more.) And, since I drop off and pick up our oldest foster child from school every day, I've started praying as we turn onto the street where the school is. I can't remember my mom's prayer verbatim, but I pray for some of the same things--wisdom on tests, making good friends, safety, guidance, and a Godly influence in the lives of friends.

Last month, the Baking Brigade connected with soldiers--some about to deploy and some who had arrived at Ft. Hood just the day before. We used Whisker Graphics' Air Mail Divine Twine.

 + dinosaurs and man. Alan arranged for Mike Riddle to come to Chapel Next and hold a Creation Training Initiative class on Saturday. Mike also taught during Sunday Morning Life Group (about dinosaurs and man), and during the church service (about Genesis and discernment). Having attended a mostly secular college, I never received any apologetics teaching (nor did I ever receive any from my home church--that I recall--which I attended until I moved to Texas last summer), so hearing that dinosaurs only recently (hundreds-ish) became extinct was interesting. I also wish churches would teach more about a Biblical worldview.

 

the baking brigade

1,046 cookies, brownies, and muffins, baked by at least 14 people.

300 boxes assembled and filled with baked goods and Chapel Next business cards or handwritten words of encouragement, all prepared by 20-ish people.

5 barracks buildings and almost 300 soldiers uplifted and greeted by 15 people with heartfelt conversation and the love of Christ and community.

1 amazing and blessed first outreach by the Baking Brigade.

Sadly, there is only one photo of Alan because he was our photographer for the event.

I intended to blog about this earlier, but I couldn't find the right words to describe what an amazing, God-filled experience this was. I still don't have all of the words, but if I wait for "perfect," I'll never hit the "Publish" button.

The night before the Baking Brigade outreach, I prayed myself to sleep. I was ridiculously nervous and kept grabbing my phone from the nightstand so I could add quick reminders--don't forget scissors for cutting the twine, and markers for decorating boxes, and print off your notes for Sunday Morning Life Group!

So, while I was casting my cares on the Lord, I was also making sure that I was doing absolutely everything in my power to be prepared. You know--just in case. (read: I was really just paying lip service to God.)

Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved. -Psalms 55:22

I was afraid that we wouldn't have enough cookies, that even though the list of people who signed up looked decent, people would forget or not bother or not make enough. It was almost 1 a.m. when I toyed with the idea of getting up and making even more cookies (one of my closest friends down here arrived home on Saturday after visiting family on the East Coast, so we went to dinner with them and then they came over so she could bake muffins).

And I was reminded of Jesus feeding the five thousand.

I told myself that if Jesus could do that, then He would make sure that we would have enough to go around. His will would be done. I had to keep myself in check.

Sometimes, we have to live by faith and trust that God will provide. I told God that I was entrusting Him with the entire outreach. That if it succeeded, it was only because He is good and that all the glory went to Him. That if it failed, I knew that this was a me-thing, and not a God-thing. I asked Him to use me as a vessel to minister to others and advance His kingdom.

Coincidentally--or not--I taught about leadership in Life Group the next morning. Leaders have extraordinary faith because they trust that their visions will be fulfilled, as long as people are motivated and God will provide.

And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:19

And I thought to myself, "Wow, I wish I had that kind of faith!" Instead, I was too busy worrying, and had clearly forgotten the prayer I'd said the previous night. I wanted to end class fifteen minutes early, so I could check on cookies and one of the other ladies could go home to pick up a forgotten Children's Church lesson plan--we barely finished praying by the usual end of class. At that point, I decided to recommit my cares to God.

Would more people drop off cookies? Would we have twine to finish the boxes? Would enough people volunteer to package, to go to the barracks? Was I forgetting something? What if we didn't have enough cookies? What if, in spite of my heart for this mission and my excitement, it failed?

I sometimes get the impression that I--as a woman? as a young woman? as an introvert who hates to be acknowledged in the congregation?--am dismissed by some of the men, and if this failed, well, it would just be proof that women should sit down and be quiet and listen.

So, I prayed some more.

After Life Group, Alan and I went to the mall to pick up a classmate who'd volunteered to help (and, the day before, we drove to the university to pick up cookies another classmate had baked). We grabbed lunch in the food court and then returned to chapel to assemble 300 kraft boxes. Around 2 p.m., more people started to show up and we began to start packaging and talking about our plan for the barracks. And there was prayer. Lots of prayer.

The process went quickly with so much help, and by 3:30, we were ready to drive over to the barracks. We divided the boxes into three garbage bags to make everything easier to carry. It was awesome to see a caravan of eight vehicles pull into the barracks parking lot.

We met some really great men and women while we made our rounds in five buildings, and the experience opened my eyes to the fact that more of this is needed. More time. More conversation. More love. More community. More God.

Sunday was one soldier's birthday. A box of cookies was the first birthday present he'd received all day.

Two soldiers were so excited about the cookies that they opened their boxes and started eating while the four (some of us paired off) of us stood in their doorway, chatting.

Countless soldiers were in disbelief that someone was offering free homemade treats, that someone cared. One soldier desperately needed someone to talk to.

One soldier asked if it was finally his turn for a box of cookies, because he'd seen so many other guys with them.

Some of them asked if this was a church outreach. And, from what church? Where? When is service?

However, several knocks went unanswered. On the upside, the chaplain's response to that was to make this a monthly event--the soldiers will know to be home on the last Sunday of the month if they want free baked goods.

And who doesn't want free cookies baked with love?

traffic lessons

Recently, due to construction on post, I spent about ten minutes driving around, trying to avoid the traffic and get back on the main road.

I was about nine minutes into my frustration when I remembered that there are about half a million other gates that I could use to leave post. I was so caught up in just getting around the small, one-block obstacle that I didn't consider any other option.

I just wanted the shortest route, the one that I knew the best. And, by that time, I didn't feel like cutting my losses, so I just waited in traffic.

Once I got through the construction, I started thinking about how life is sometimes like that. I get so hung up on whatever stress I'm dealing with that I don't stop to take a breath and think about other options.

I spend so much time focusing on the issue in front of me that I don't hear God telling me that there's another way. And, even if I do hear Him, I'm reluctant to listen because whatever He's suggesting is not what I usually do.

It's new. It's different. I'm not used to it. I might make mistakes.

I knew that, had I taken one of the other gates off post, I could have found my way home. Eventually. But, I probably would have made some wrong turns, and I was afraid of exploring uncharted territory alone.

But as believers, we are never alone.  

God promises to always be with us.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." -Joshua 1:9

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." -Deuteronomy 31:6

Even when life is rough and we feel overwhelmed, He is there.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." -John 16:33

"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." -1 Corinthians 10:13

that time when i couldn't walk in a straight line

On Wednesday morning, my body felt ridiculously heavy when I woke up. Sort of like when you're standing on that carnival ride that looks like a hamster wheel on its side, and it spins you so fast that it's hard to lift your head from the back of the grate.

When I finally managed to get out of bed, I stumbled into/fell on top of a pile of Alan's gear on my way to the bathroom, and as I brushed my teeth and walked into the living room, I started saying, "Alan! Alan! I can't walk straight." He, of course, seemed to find this amusing and helped me sit down, because even though I was aiming for the kitchen, I couldn't walk straight and ended up on the couch.

He told me that I got out of bed too quickly, and soon my dizziness passed, so I didn't think much of it anymore.

Until I tried walking back into the bathroom to put my toothbrush away, ran into a wall, and fell (my brain didn't seem to realize that walking faster would not get me to the bathroom faster, if my body didn't want to walk that way). The running into a wall bit is actually not that uncommon (I run into doorknobs and doorways and plants and all sorts of things every day), but falling down because I've hit a wall that hard? Can't say that's ever happened before.

And then my nausea turned to vomiting, and then he called the nurse advice line, and then they asked if we could go to the emergency room. NO, we cannot go to the emergency room! Emergency rooms are for emergencies--like I hacked off my finger with a kitchen knife, or I've been severely injured in a car accident, or I burned half of my body when I was cooking.

So, we went to the emergency room.

Where I was diagnosed with some sort of vertigo. It's called BPPV, and the worst part is that there's no identified cause and it can happen again. And, the pills they gave me for nausea and dizziness make me so tired that I couldn't believe it was only 11 a.m. the following morning, because I slept about 12 hours and wanted to go right back to sleep as soon as I woke up. On the upside, there was a very short wait, I was diagnosed pretty quickly, and the entire staff was pretty attentive and they knew what they were doing.

cruisin' + patrollin'

Alan missed Sunday Morning Life Group and worship, because Ophelia thought we were never coming home and decided to break the fence.  Naturally, Shooter decided to follow and terrorize the neighbors (Chipmunk was already in the truck, but only because I thought Alan wanted to take her and he thought I wanted to take her).

Fortunately, Shooter is chipped and Ophelia was patiently waiting at the front door, so Alan received a phone call and picked up the dogs.

And then he spent the afternoon fixing the fence.

bake. pray. love.

Ever since Sunday, this idea for a blog post has been rolling around in my head, but I couldn't think of words to adequately describe how totally blessed I felt and how overwhelmed I was with God's awesomeness.

And actually, I still can't think of the perfect words, but I still want to share this story.

A few months ago, one of the chaplains mentioned that two soldiers committed suicide in the same week.  I can't even begin to imagine the pain their families felt--and still feel, I'm sure--and it made me want to do something.  Why did they (and other soldiers who commit suicide) feel that suicide was their only option?  That thought stuck with me for weeks.  How could I help?  What could the church do?

In my grad school classes, I learned that sometimes people seek suicide because they feel they have no other option--no resources, no support, no help, no way out.  What if we could give them support?

I asked the chaplain (there are multiple chaplains at Chapel Next, but I'm referring to the same one in this post) if it would be possible to gather a group of people together to go dorm-storming in the barracks (housing would also be an option, but I felt that soldiers living in the barracks are more apt to be/feel alone).  We could say hi and connect with the soldiers there.  It could be a regular thing.  We could let them know that someone cares about each and every one of them, individually.  And we could take cookies or brownies.

Because, seriously, who won't open their doors for cookies?

The Sunday before Alan and I left for Pennsylvania, the chaplain met with me to discuss the plan.  I designed two fliers over the holidays, which were meant to gauge interest in the chapel.  I was beyond excited, but at the same time, fearful that no one would want to help.  Not that that was going to stop me--I put it in my mind that I would go by myself, door to door, if it came down to that.

But that's a lot of baking for one person.
                 
On Sunday, the chaplain approached me before I gave my little blurb about the Sunday Morning Life Group that I'll be teaching this quarter (it's on spiritual gifts).  He said that he'd like to make an announcement and ask people who were interested to meet us after the service.

Um, sure.  Because I'm already so thrilled to have to stand up in front of a crowd and talk about my class.  I would love more attention.  Especially after another chaplain points me out in the service because my husband and I lead Home Life Group.

If you ever want an example of an introvert, I'm a pretty good candidate.

However!  It was all for a good cause.  Over 20 people signed up for more information!  We have access to at least three barracks and some really good bakers/cooks, and people who want to go and chat with the soldiers!  One of my friends--my closest friend down here--went up with me for emotional support, and I was just so overwhelmed to see so many people willing to help.

I emailed a spreadsheet with the contact info we collected to the chaplain, and we're planning to start this outreach toward the end of the month.  I'd like to call it "Bake. Pray. Love.," but we'll see what everyone else thinks.  I think the name appeals more to the late-teen and early twenty-something group we're trying to reach, but maybe it's too feminine.